The End

An isolating experience

This has for me been an isolating experience.

And it is not just about not discussing your harassment with other people, and it is not done,.. not just to not scare them.

It is also because,..

1) admitting it would make it real... for some I think,.. it would be better I not.

2) Because,... we don't want to secondary traumatise anybody

http://www.nctsn.org/resources/topics/secondary-traumatic-stress

And secondly,..
I've changed.

If you'd told me this was about dignity,..months ago. I wouldn't have got it.

And now... yeah.. one word.

It's something I kept saying,.. the person who takes the pioneer role, has to be able to demonstrate appropriate behaviour under pressure. And by this I mean, tremendous insult.

And I know I can,.. continue to do so.

Trust me,.. some days I have a few choice words .. 

But they have for the most part not been uttered.

In person,.. what you may be seeing looks like practiced nonchalance.

That doesn't mean I don't hurt.

Survivors commonly comment on feeling somehow ‘different’ to their peers, as though their experiences have in some way set them apart from the rest of society.

I asked about this before

How do you know it is abuse... 

It has to do with power...

There comes a very real feeling there is no choice anymore.

And in this case there really is no choice.

It's part of the deal,.. that's just the way this place is.

So ... like many things... you learn to live with it.

And you bend... hopefully not broken completely at the end of all this. 

5 hours sleep

G once said to me he was grateful for every night he had somewhere warm to sleep, was not hungry and got five hours sleep.

What was he saying... he had spent some time where he didn't have that.

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/oct/22/40-of-homeless-youths-are-lgbt-and-im-currently-one-of-them

I don't know the current situation in England, but G had to turn 18 to apply for housing.

Between 16 and 18... you get placed in a group home.


And I've had students,... who also clearly have no fixed place of abode.
Sometimes gay as well.

The reality is we have no where to place them, and that's what the funding for.

As to my own contribution....

It is in reality.. that of the adult to the child.. well young adult.

It is the attempt to go back and fix... what can't be fixed.

And perhaps it is also an acknowledgement that..

Although in Trinidad, because of the way we socialise..

There is really more of a gender divide here.. I think it has to do with the society not being open.

And yes, I do complain about the males dominating the discussion, like the rest of the women.

But I also know,.. that ... and that is why I was able to devise an approach for all.

We walk parallel paths. Sometimes very close paths.

And it is a good thing,.. I have had those relationships...

Because without that.. I do not think I would have been able to do what I did.

Wayward weeping voices that you will hear
Each with their own story to tell
And you have the choice to bend your ear
And treat your fellow humans well

There is no fixing this

That's the bottom line.

Even if I leave,.. and this is my hypothesis.

The damage that has been done is permanent.

And this is not about trying,.. or will.

At this point in time,.. some of ... what remains... and festers.

Is hard wired.  

And you have to learn to live with it.

The best I can hope for is that 

"The things that make us what we are, that make our lives worth living, are always intangible and insubstantial. The best that we can hope for is that someday, somewhere a random cast off dream might ease someone else's pain or live on in someone else's memory"

Home

I am aware I am in a depressed mood.

But.. since I am BP.. I expect this to resolve itself.. on its own.

Absolutely sure.

________

I don't really talk about my exes... but there was one.

After the bad relationship.

The one who took me dancing...

By that time,... I expected to be treated badly.

And I remember her saying

"Love comes with respect,.. and no one who truly loved you would have treated you like that."

I have been loved by some good women.

And been befriended by some good men.

Just saying.

Growing up gender queer

I would say it started from Form 4.

The change over to streaming.. for sciences.. which was a more competitive group..
was to my detriment.
The friends I had managed to make were no longer with me.
This is on the teacher's report and may have been an added factor. (Girls who perform well at school)
Please note... Boys who perform well are also there.
JEALOUSY

I don't know who started the rumour.

The rumour had to have started first.
But it resulted in the Verbal abuse... and Vandalism and Physical abuse
My calculator was broken and I was tripped,..
It is humiliating to be tripped and have your books spill and no one helps. The bullies just laugh.

But ultimately,.. it all leads to isolation.

I have no friends from school days.

All that combined with the issues at home,.. resulted in self harm.

But the status quo in THIS society... is this was a GOOD School

A PRESTIGE SCHOOL.

And Prestige schools are same sex schools.

And we live in the 1960s and girls' uniforms are skirts.

So you can get told repeatedly to 'sit properly'.

It sounds petty,.. but on top of everything else.

....

My mother was brave enough to break taboo.

She transferred her child from a PRESTIGE school to a CO ED Government secondary.

A new start.

And she told the Principal she would deal with my father.

She was specifically asked if he would come to make a scene.

All she asked was how many signatures do you need on the transfer form... only one.

I remember the argument.

And my mother stood her ground, but came to me.. close to tears.. and she would have been stage 4 by this time.

"Prove me right for once."

Cause my mother was a C student and ... had been taught by the very school system to doubt herself.
(That's a long story,... but it is true. )

And it did work.

For someone who is gender queer... what is a good school?

I got to wear jeans and t-shirt to school.. Same subjects.. continuation of actual learning materials and assessment - Exam.

I felt more at ease in my self,.. in clothes of my own choosing.
It sounds petty,.. but getting to decide what you wear every day.. is a blessing.

No one had seen me humiliated,.. well there were a few, but they were in the minority and did not engage in the malicious gossip,.. as they too had left.
And perhaps we agreed to leave what had transpired in that other school behind us,.. they too must have had their reasons for leaving. (And it isn't always .. you didn't make the grade)

As someone who is two spirit,... I have a good question

How the hell do people expect for a girl, and a non-conforming girl at that, to be able to come to terms with aspects of her personality that are masculine... surrounded by only FEMALES!

Having boys to interact with on a daily basis helped.
And they understood that I was not attracted.. also because I was bright... I had learned I could earn their respect by peer tutoring. They did not see me as a competitor in the same way.
And also the entire school was less competitive. So it worked.

And I got to join them going Ascot to play pool. Cause I am a decent pool player.
And they felt comfortable discussing girls with me.
So in some ways it worked,.. and continues depending on my company.
I'm one of the boys.
I did Physics.. there were only four girls in the physics class,.. we were outnumbered 4 to 1.
And my university classes mirrored this ratio.
And some workplaces.

I did physics in the all girls school as well,.. but ... because there was no gender divide,.. this didn't come up.

I describe the Govt Secondary,.. as my best educational experience.

The prestige school is brick and mortar.. it feels it must stand strong and weather the elements. Non - transparent.

The Govt secondary was ... A wire fence.

Able to support... but also to bend. And see through. Decisions were not hidden behind 'protocol'.

And the principal... you could come and go as you wanted,.. as long as you attended classes, and did your work. Sometimes there were options to attend classes ie Maths A or Maths B as long as you cleared it with the teachers,.. who were flexible.. understanding of schedule.

There was no dean of discipline.. ALL teachers were expected to tackle discipline issues.
And I understand there was some level of mentorship for new teachers.
And the Librarian was actively involved in helping students find resources..

And that is environment in which boy-girl... girl-boy... was able to feel supported enough to
have easier social interactions.
was not bullied.

And having to explain things,.. helps you understand them.

I was awarded a scholarship.. three weeks before my mother died.

And sometimes,.. if you ask me why I did it... Cause I really did work harder than I think I have ever worked since...

No Hopers

Hope,...is a fragile thing.

No voice, no future, no leadership

"Live and breathe this,.. their kids don't live and breathe this."

This is about INEQUITY...

DRACARYS

I HAVE A LIVE DRAGON EGG!!

Leadership

Silence

Willful Blindness

Sunday Afternoons

My best friend
Always had sweets to share,
He knew every word in the dictionary

I wish that I could be like
Wear clean clothes, talk properly like
Do sums and history like

My best friend

He could swear like a soldier

You would laugh till you died

At the stories he told y'

I wish that I could be like

Kick a ball and climb a tree like

Run around with dirty knees like

This is a story of two twins who were separated and one was raised in a lower class family (the birth family) and the other was adopted by an upper class family, the mother was the house help.

But the two boys grew together, and were drawn to each other.

Then after childhood they were separated, one went to university and the other was unemployed and ended up in prison. 

At the end, the .... " I could have been him"

Folks,.. I did joke on seeing the picture.. "Who aint dead badly wounded."

But I use laughter to cover discomfort,... an uncomfortable truth.

Patience

Patience is a little like sticking a knife in your heart. It’s painful. It’s not what you’d do willingly. Yet if you truly respect and love each other, it means you chose someone else to put first, even beyond your own wants and needs. And no, though it doesn’t stop hurting, it does get easier to let go of the selfishness keeping your wounds fresh and stinging every time you exercise patience.

I am not alone

Resilence

If I was sixteen and was facing going back to school tomorrow.

Suicide would look like a viable option at the moment.

As it is,.. I am looking to see if anything was put up.
And I get why cyberbullying, so dangerous.
More dangerous than overt hostility in many ways.


I didn't think there was any lower to go.

I've been called names to my face.
Played tricks.
To the point I am uncertain as to my physical safety.

And then,.. because for the most part I have responded with silence.

They have taken my name.. and my 'avatar' identity.. with the threat to create a fake and put words in my mouth that are not mine.

Now as an adult with an identity,.. so I can go.. or they calling me .. whatever.. and say
That's not true, because I know what my identity is.

If you are sixteen years old and questioning,.. you can't do that.

School is a disproportionate part of your social life,.. or what remains of it.

I have other circles that remain untouched by this, I can retain a sense of normalcy.

And even as regards to the 'avatar' identity.. and this blog was part of the answer in anticipation to this one,..  people who know me, know me well enough that they know it is not true.
And I know them well enough to know that they will take it within context. Cause they are also adults.

As for the adult suicide case,.. his case was different.
He wasn't even out to his family,... and I don't know the extent to which he sought support from the gay family.

You have to have a few of those who know,.. what is going on.
Someone who late at night,.. you can just arrive crying and they will open their door without question and let you stay.

Cause when you live alone,.. it's not a great place to be,.. when you are going through this.
And friends who are good enough, to know when it doesn't sound right when you cancel plans.

And I am fairly certain the two people who probably saved my life..
had been there themselves,.. that's why they knew.

Let's figure out how to make sure they remember they survived their nightmare.

Cyber Harassment

So anyway,.. I received via email a fake facebook profile shared with racy photos of a woman.

So after the verbal to your face stuff.

Which was seen as overt.

We gone cyber... which has the ability to cross into my personal life.

Right,... this caused me to panic.

Cause, I can so anticipate that this will be done in my turn.
I took down my personal facebook profile weeks ago.
And given what has happened,.. that profile will die.

Another may be created,.. in my real name after this is all over.

But what I was concerned about,.. which honestly...
if from your own interactions with me... THE REAL ME.
You have not managed to gauge my true personality.

I don't have the energy.

Identity

Branded

Lying

Don't ask if I'm okay.

"Said I'm okay,.. but I know how to lie"

Acceptance

Interesting themes

Timestamp 8:35....

The world over...  !!

Oh well... guess I am stereotypical..

Time will mend.. eventually.