Alone

An alien

I have always identified as female.
I may not have always been completely comfortable with my body, but that has come with time.

I have never worn make up.
And I keep my hair short.. and it was only at 30, that I coloured it for the first time.
Nailpolish is my one concession, lip balm and moisturiser depending on climates,.. but in those climates, everyone uses lip balm and moisturiser.

It is true, I wear blouses that are pushing shirts
Oh,.. just looked it up, they are in fact shirts, oh well.
But they are very me.

And if you see me outside work in anything but a t-shirt, cargo pants and sports sandals.. it was a special occasion.

And yes, the shoes live in my bottom drawer, and I arrive in sports sandals.
( and my sandals are not readily available in Trinidad )

And no, I don't wear skirts or dresses.
or stockings

And I don't aspire to get married... (can't in this country in any case, and relationships in this place are very hard, where open displays of affection, or even discussing my partner are taboo topics)

And I'll never have kids.

..... or a career. (that used to be a ruse)

Right now...

My health issues are women's issues.

Apart from that...

I AM AN INDIVIDUAL.

With personality and character...

And competent to do the tasks at hand.

Why does the rest matter, and ... I am not intentionally offending anyone.

I was going to post "Helen Reddy - I am woman"
But the truth is, at the moment,.. I feel most alienated by the other women.

I'll live with alien... I am a sci-fi fan.  I can accept being a humanoid alien.

Cause at the moment,.. I'm not sure I'm human.

Waking dreams

Death is kindness

Tactics for solitude

Hopefully, your job has some level of autonomy.

And as I said in the beginning, please take the waiting time to demonstrate competence.

So apart from going elsewhere to eat, since eating is sometimes a social event.

If you have managed to maintain a good relationship with your boss..

You can 'unofficially' work flextime,.. in solitude.

eg. Today I arrived late and left late...

So less time with other co-workers... which is still a little awkward.
But you must still do the work,.. and try to maintain a decent level of quality.

Then you are free to go home and ... be safe.

Normally,.. I would be looking forward to the films in the festival which starts tonight, but...
I'm just too drained.

And school starts soon. At least in school, via distance,... I have no issues. The entire thing is conducted in a country with diversity policies,...  Costly,.. but piece of mind.

Solitude.. crossdressers and drag queens

There is a certain amount of social isolation in being 'monster'.

Not sure if I am sub-human... or just not human.

It is a lonely life..

But it is in some ways, better than overt hostility.

You find ways,.. eat lunch in local 'take aways'..
Listen to music.

And learn to 'dress' according to the norms.

Nail polish is not acceptable unless it matches your clothes...

But it takes much energy,.. so you go home,.. tired.

But slowly,.. you get accustomed to your fortress of solitude.

Aloneness.. is safe.

Gender norms

OK, PNM win... so new regime.

Low and behold... one of my allies has turned on me.

That hurt cause I have been personally coaching her for almost two months.

I happen to think I am a decent judge of character.

But she has turned and called me names... to my face!

I was stunned,... completely stunned.

And the name is gender neutral,... I've seen it used with gay men.

But my response,... has to be AS A WOMAN.

Cause the last time I checked, a lesbian is no  less of a woman.

OK, it is true,.. I have not been conforming to gender norms as regards to my outward appearance.

And she takes great care in hers,.. And some of the others,...

What they find most threatening, is that I do not conform when they spend so much effort trying to.

The most peer pressure I have gotten is from OTHER WOMEN!

.. along the lines ... you better had or else.

Men, haven't told me anything... they just looking on.

And I have a feeling, they will only get involved on the encouragement of A WOMAN.

So it is other women, who leading the charge to ostracise me.

Conflict among women, usually stays verbal. And I have as yet to have given a response.

But the non-verbal response coming.

Cause when I walk into the office tomorrow... without a word.

There will be no doubt I AM ALL WOMAN!

Who will find your body

Full of despair inside a darkness
Self conscious and scared, held prisoner of war
Running out of air, buried in a sadness
Want a way out of this paralyzing world
And the sound of the cries when a family's loved one dies
It echoes through a vacant room where a young soul still resides

Searching for a way to escape the madness
A dire need for change as we fight for better days
The hurt and the pain cut deep like a razor blade
Holding in a cry for love, abandoned and afraid

When the night is cold and you feel like no-one knows
what it's like to be the only one buried in this hole
You can make it to the sunrise

Iroh:
Sometimes the best way to solve your own problems is to help someone else.

I see how hurt she is sometimes,.. imagine over a decade later.
Wondering why?

Hearing the story of how he was found. 
Not knowing his friends,..
Wondering if they missed... signs..


So when I saw the signs (and ppl I've had my own mental health issues, I know the signs)
I thought the best gift, I could give was to cut the charade (one less thing to cope with)
It sort of solves both problems (two birds, one stone)

So that we can meet as equally,.. and move forward. 

I