Without a hitch

I may feel I am rusty,.. but the reality is I have been having these conversations for YEARS.

Top five went off smoothly.

Trinidad is very tolerant, overall.

A few pointers though.

• Do offer to answer any questions that they may have.
  
• Assure them that you have support and can give advice as to possible HR matters.
  
• Give them some one to talk to, because they may not want to discuss their feelings as they sort them out with you directly.

I may just decide to become a lifer after all this.

Open Secret

Now, when you are starting to test the waters.

In our culture, we follow the norm of the "Open Secret"
(homosexuality tacitly acknowledged without direct affirmation of its existence)

There is an art to doing this, successfully transitioning.

So you can start to say things like

"I have gay friends." 
So you acknowledge association.

"Do you think that I should be treated any different if I were?"
Watch the eyes, when they answer this one. It says more than any verbal response.

What you are trying to guage is response to you, you are going for innuendo.
And this response, is in keeping with what they know of you from before.
They need time to process this new possibility.

The best advice I can give is
Let silence do the heavy lifting.
Let them jump to conclusion, let them jump to confusion.

At the same time, be consistent between people because they will not feel comfortable to discuss with you, and will discuss between each other.

I've done this at least six times in the last decade, with limited issues arising as a result.

And that is part of the reason I am writing this blog, to document what has been a fairly successful approach. Because too many times, I hear other LGBT saying that they could never be open in work.
That is simply not true, our society, in many places is relatively tolerant.

You just can't be blatant.

But you can stand in the middle of a cocktail party, and everyone knows, without you saying a word what you are, and people will engage you, knowing who you are.

Shame - Suicide Legacy

http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2013/06/30/keeping-suicide-secret/

Part of the problem.. in fact the main problem,...

is that because there was no intervention and my guess religious condemnation.

The shame of the suicide and being gay,.. have become combined in their perception of the issues.

It happened at the same time, and was their first exposure at a rather young age.

People are shaped by their experiences.... this is a bad combination.

A common combination,... but hard to address when it has been left to fester for so many years.


To persons who are not from Trinidad who are reading this.

because we have no guidelines,.. you have to be your own management support to your coworkers.

If you go back, you will realise I happen to have this level of experience, which is why I am laying the groundwork to tackle the issues I will have to deal with eventually.

Who to tell first

There is really no first... but there is a top five list

• A close coworker of same or higher rank but not your immediate supervisor (they can lend some objectivity)
• Your immediate supervisor (it is better that they hear it first from you rather than someone else)
• Another person in authority (this is an alternate person to whom you can appeal in the event of an incident)
• A person in another department (this is good for determining how far your rumour mill is reaching)
• The person(s) you supervise

These are hard conversations, and you may have to replace your first picks.

It is generally done outside the office,... cars,.. restaurants etc.

Do ask any who do not support you to
Respect your confidentiality (ie. they do not have to know that they are one of many, you can say you were confiding in them, and establish that as the rules of the conversation from the beginning)

Hopefully this gives you time to approach the replacements.

But once you have a network around you, ... you can be freer in your conversations...

And very quickly... the rumour mill will do the rest.

Things to consider beforehand

You need to consider the following

1. Your personal safety both at home and at work
2. Confidentiality issues - your family
3. Victimisation
4. Harassment

Personal safety in this society is paramount.

• Do any of your coworkers know where you live?
• Is this information documented where it can be easily accessed?
• How do you commute?

Your family

• Are you out to your official next of kin contact?
• Are there any other personal contacts in your workplace, persons from church, family friends who do not know about your sexual identity?

Victimisation

• What is the HR policy? Complaints procedure?
• Have there been past precedents, who left or were fired?
• How are effeminate men treated?

Harassment

• What type of language is tolerated in the environment? Are people allowed to use slurs?
• Have you seen any other person, for whatever reason, being harassed?
• What form does the harassment take?

Documenting the answers to these questions, can help you to gain an overview of the workplace environment.

And you may be able to identify steps to take to address some of them.

• Changing your next of kin

• Sensitising your coworkers about your concerns about your safety (this can be done in a more generalised crime context,... given the state of this country)

Work related socialising

I share this one as a warning.

Almost a decade ago, I came out the first time.

I used to be an optimist.

Anyway, although the response was not that bad. HR basically said that since the policy doesn't speak to sexual orientation that it was up to me to defend myself about the verbal stuff.

The thing is,.. it didn't stay verbal.

I went to a work thing and had alcohol... I was a little happy.. Not happy happy, just loose.

I walked out to the car park by myself and got grabbed and gropped by one of my coworkers.

I actually froze.. which is not a very good response.

Had not another woman turned around as she was in the carpark and called out, it could have been more serious.

I no longer socialise with coworkers in general and certainly when I find it hard to avoid.. no alcohol.

A to do list

I have to focus on my school work and family life for a bit.

But so that I do not forget ...the to do list

Since we don't actually have a policy / framework.. to some extent you sort have to do HRs job for your supervisor.

I mean yes, you can just come out and then rely on this country's poor record for discrimination.

Or you can provide them with a bunch of tips

1. Tackling malicious gossip in the workplace.
(this one is established practice and will be rampant)

2. Do actually read the regulations and know the existing general rules.
Pity the Public Service regulations and charge for misconduct is so vague as to include almost anything.

I personally think you can try to engage the unions in tandem with the government, it would speed things along. Maybe it is my limited knowledge of IR, but as far as I understand unions are supposed to support extending rights to workers.

Little things

(or how to show compassion in subtle ways)

Because of how our society is, it is sometimes hard to demonstrate support openly.

But I have been the recipient of many acts of kindness over the years,

A colleague who touched my hand when I must have flinched at a particularly venomous remark, I don't remember the remark, only the touch.

An acquaintance who passed by my desk on the way out, and stopped just long enough to say, that was unwarranted.

Another colleague who lead me out of an after work party. Apparently my eyes had started to wonder where they shouldn't be.

Note on blog title

As to the blind part, it is a play on the blind bandit, ie Toph, from Avatar - the last airbender. s2e6.

If you watch the episode, they keep emphasising that Toph waits, listen..... then attacks.

At that is very much my style. This is not first time I have outed myself in the workplace...
nor even the third...

So some advice for those considering.

1. It helps if you have managed to sort out your personal life first.
(whilst I have doubts as to whether my extended family will publicly support,... privately they will, and there are no secrets lurking )

2. It also helps if you have someone to come home to, even if the relationship does not last long term.

3. Use the waiting time to establish that you are in fact competent at the actual work.
( I have been called many things folks, but in actual technical ability, it doesn't usually fly. Helps if you have a good performance appraisal already in as well. Discrimination in Trinidad, has become, at least in my experience more subtle... and will come out in promotion, training and leave approval. Apart from the verbal comments. )

4. This is more of a footnote, do be prepared to be shunned by persons you do not expect to care, and sometimes even other members of the community. ( I'm not saying it hurts any less because it is expected)

But ... on the plus side, you know where you stand behind all the smiles.

Don’t mean the straightforward fear of fiery death. I mean the insidious, demoralizing fear of betrayal, of treachery, of cruelty, of being silenced. Of not being able to trust your neighbour. 

 - Code Name Verity

The beginnings

 - a remark made to open or redirect a conversation.


For the last two years, I have choosen to remain silent.

But the time is soon coming, when the scales tip towards gambit.

My rules are fairly simple, and learnt from experience.

Do not gamble what you cannot afford to lose,... or hope to gain.

But after June... there is not enough in the closeted side of the scale to continue the charade.

I am tired,... and Ah done!