Abusive relationships

I did have one very bad relationship. And when you are young and relatively inexperienced.. in your search and exploration for what you think is a 'normal' lesbian relationship can lead you to accept behaviours that are beyond your personal boundaries.

And honestly,.. when I was in it,.. I couldn't see it.

Other people used to pass me in parties and ask me,. "why do you let her do you that?"

If this is happening to you,.. stop making excuses and start to think of her behaviour from their perspective if you can.

I had many warning signs before the first shove.

The possessiveness
Not respecting my time and opinions
Disregarding my wishes as regards sexual contact

And of all places,.. I had a fight in the kitchen.
( The kitchen is a poor choice of room for a confrontation)

That was the first time,.. I got my head hit as a consequence of a shove,.. I hit the counter.

She successfully managed to isolate me from my friends. So that we were surrounded by her friends.

And when one of these friends, informed me that I was moving for the summer to a different city.
That is when I realised I was in a very dangerous place.

Yes, I had applied for the summer internship to be stationed in the City.
Yes, we had gone on the day trips to scope out the city.

But in that City, I had nobody except her.
In London, despite my infrequent contact, there are members of the expat community who I knew who,.. I could show up at their doorstep without explanation and they would take me in without question.

Somehow,.. that woke me up. I didn't even have the courage to confront her. I waited across the street until she left and went to collect my stuff and threw the key in the mail slot.

She did ask after me,.. but I went to stay by my sister.

MY FAMILY HAS BEEN MY SUPPORT FROM THE BEGINNING

For those who did not have that support system, they are very vulnerable.
Particularly in Trinidad where there are very few accepting social service agencies.

Chrysalids

Once again,.. I am reminded that what I am doing is not without risks.

I am reminded of a theme in the Chrysalids by John Wyndham.

To make something secret,.. is to make it dangerous.

There is a really good quote on this, but I can't remember it.

Yes,.. it is dangerous to be known to be gay.

However,.. there are also dangers to secret liaisons, with persons you do not have the opportunity to meet in daylight.

I am reminded of the reason I opted to try this gambit

Bystander resouces

http://web.mit.edu/bystanders/assessing/index.html

https://speakout.worldsecuresystems.com/training-programs

https://vimeo.com/53187137

http://www.livethegreendot.com/

Perpetrators

Sometimes you wonder what monster would rape a 13 year old girl.

Not to mention all the adult bystanders,.. enablers...

Then there is your own emotions

....feeling unbelievable pain and rage.

Aang        The monks used to say that revenge is like a two-headed rat viper. While you watch your                        enemy go down, you're being poisoned yourself. Katara, you do have a choice: forgiveness.

Zuko That's the same as doing nothing!

Aang No, it's not. It's easy to do nothing, but it's hard to forgive.

Contagion

Newbies... 

Managing conflict... and at the end of the day,.. the whole LGBT dynamic is simply a cause of conflict.. requires a level of humility and ability to keep your cool.

Yes, you can engage in discussions. But there comes a point, where you are NOT BEING HEARD.

At that point, the correct response,.. is to simply state " I don't believe in that" and walk away.

And the trick is also to first,.. disengage eye contact. 

WALK AWAY... and live to fight another day.

AND BREATHE....

It really does work. 

Others take their cue from your calm... 

And to some extent,.. that means you, yourself have to be comfortable with the issues you are discussing.

If you have your own insecurities or own prejudices... own up to them. 

It is the your honesty and acknowledgement of the diverse nature of our community which encourages engagement, .. sometimes from curiosity,.. 

Listen to the video... 

And ppl... I've been watching videos to revamp my skill set for months. And discussing these issues for years. 

Rachel Price real

That was an excellent show.

She real too bad.

And she right,... we not the United States,.. and we don't live like that.

We are largely tolerant,... on all divisions of society.

It is only in the silly season, things are said out of turn.

And come Sept 8,.. we all have to live together.

In following the US model of advocacy,.. the causes of homophobia are being ignored.

That makes no sense,.. and will only cause further division.

• Gender based violence (with the wider definition of gender norms)
• Child abuse
• Male rape

Identity is about self-perception,..

It is not about being removed from that which I speak,.. it is about objectively, putting forward the case that addressing the underlying issues benefit all members of society.

When senior members of an organisation, offer their support for measures in keeping with their mandate,.. it would be foolish to not entertain the offer.

Only time will tell, whether or not the offers are truly genuine. Currently we are in the courting season, and many people are saying that which advocates want to hear.

https://oabi.wordpress.com/2012/04/29/the-history-of-o-a-b-i-are-you-a-history-maker/

When I hear of persons taking their own lives because of being bullied and attacked I could no longer study myself I had to get involved, when families will call crying and asking for help because their relative was raped but begging me to keep that deadly secret I had no other choice but to get involved and fight even if I was the only one fighting I had made up my mind that silence was no longer an option for me.

Cause the reality is,.. I've been hearing these stories for years...

So when the opportunity arises,.. for me to actually speak,.. in a forum  that might just count enough to influence the way these matter are dealt with.

It would be the greatest disservice for me to not do so, even if there is some personal risk to myself.

Witness

I was asked by an ally what I wanted  her to do in the event she witnessed me being physically assaulted.

I would not ask anyone to take the risk upon themselves of getting hurt, trying to help me. When I have made the decision to make myself a target. 

And also, what allows me to absorb their insults is a lifetime of experience as a gay woman. 

As protagonist, I have to attempt to maintain some control over the situation. 

So

• Provide a level of support with which you feel comfortable.
• Introduce yourself, (this is the most powerful counteract to the 'dehumanisation' that is being encouraged by the name calling )
• Maintain your physical distance, but do issue a verbal response ( this has saved me in the past,.. the simple act of calling my name, and asking if I was coming...I was released, because my assailant was made aware someone who knew me and was my ally was watching)
• Raise an alert, in the event of an escalating situation. 
• In the event I am alone, call my office

Wish me luck!