Open Secret

Now, when you are starting to test the waters.

In our culture, we follow the norm of the "Open Secret"
(homosexuality tacitly acknowledged without direct affirmation of its existence)

There is an art to doing this, successfully transitioning.

So you can start to say things like

"I have gay friends." 
So you acknowledge association.

"Do you think that I should be treated any different if I were?"
Watch the eyes, when they answer this one. It says more than any verbal response.

What you are trying to guage is response to you, you are going for innuendo.
And this response, is in keeping with what they know of you from before.
They need time to process this new possibility.

The best advice I can give is
Let silence do the heavy lifting.
Let them jump to conclusion, let them jump to confusion.

At the same time, be consistent between people because they will not feel comfortable to discuss with you, and will discuss between each other.

I've done this at least six times in the last decade, with limited issues arising as a result.

And that is part of the reason I am writing this blog, to document what has been a fairly successful approach. Because too many times, I hear other LGBT saying that they could never be open in work.
That is simply not true, our society, in many places is relatively tolerant.

You just can't be blatant.

But you can stand in the middle of a cocktail party, and everyone knows, without you saying a word what you are, and people will engage you, knowing who you are.

Suicide

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-health/11549954/Teen-girls-Suicide-kills-more-young-women-than-anything.-Heres-why.html


Two confessions

Attempted suicide twice,.. in the age group 15 - 19
Self-harmed for the entire duration

This is more common than we are willing to admit in TnT.


There is an old TV series called Sisters

Teddy (played by Sela Ward) admits to attempting suicide, when another sister, Georgie becomes depressed.

She speaks of simple wants. It was realising that there was a simple want that she had that was within her power to fulfil that kept her going through her dark time.


I have found this to be true.

It can be things like renting or test driving your dream car.
Going to a restaurant you always wanted.
Watching the sunset on the beach.

I've done all of these things, some on impulse.

And what it does, is it creates something to look forward to, which tells your brain.. life is worth living.

Medicine

Not the best audio, skip to 8:45

Travelling light 

Is excellent..

Now seeing that she did 

The Kindness of Strangers

That should be excellent as well, something to add to the wishlist.

Hugging Machine

Temple Grandin

Built a huggin machine,.. it applies enough pressure to trigger the deep pressure sensors in the lower dermis (skin).

It can be used to treat anxiety, when words are not useful anymore.

There is a version called a weighted blanket

http://www.sensacalm.com/weighted-blankets/

It works,.. and if you want an explanation of the science as to why,.. I'll explain.

Resilence

Cat.. the protagonist is a tortured soul. And survivor of child abuse

http://bookre.org/reader?file=293873

There was nothing left to hold onto as the pain drove me under, drowning me in fear, drowning me in memory… I was back on the streets again, seven or eight years old with an empty hole in my brain where my past should have been, hungry and cold. And a man who sometimes gave me handouts said, Come on in. 
I thought I knew the streets, knew the rules, knew what I was doing. I’d never heard bad talk about him. But up in his room he’d dropped his pants and told me what he wanted me to do to him. I said I didn’t want to, and his face went from smiling and soft to ugly with rage faster than I could think. He pulled a knife, and with it pressed against my throat, he said, Do it or I’ll kill you. And I did it, whimpering and sick, but thinking if I did it I could go. I’d never heard he’d killed anybody, if I did it he’d let me go…
But he wouldn’t let me go. I begged him, I tried to fight, but he cut me and ripped off my clothes. He pinned me down on the bed and started doing things to me. I told myself it was only some babyfucker getting his fix, it didn’t mean anything as long as I was still alive when it was over. 
And the things got worse and worse, hurting me until I cried out; and when I did he started to beat me, shouting it was all my fault, like I’d made him do this—until I was hurt and bleeding everywhere, but still it was only pain and it couldn’t go on forever. 
And then he rolled me onto my stomach and climbed on top of me. Naked and helpless under his weight, I screamed as a kind of pain I’d never known existed tore something apart in my insides. “Oh God, stop—!” I screamed and screamed for somebody to save me but there was nobody at all who heard my screams and cared.
And it wasn’t stopping. My screams turned hoarse, my sobs became heaves of vomit; it went on and on, until all that was left was the truth … blind with pain, with the black pit opening up to swallow me, I knew at last that the river of wetness that rushed through me was all my blood, that I was never going to get out of this room, that oh God I was dying right here, it was over, over, right now going down, down, into the blackness…

The problem with abused children, is that they become abused adults.
And when dementia sets in,.. they forget they grew up.
And sometimes, because of how memory loss occurs... they get trapped in their nightmare childhoods.

I had to deal with this in my own family.
And to this day, there is still a lack of acknowledgement among some, that the stories are true.

"Beaten so badly she couldn't walk for three days, and they were ashamed to take her to the doctor"

And the anxiety that remained,... the insomnia,.. the feeling that even in her own home, she was not safe.

The fear of strangers, as her world collapsed, and she was unable to form new memories..... (crying)

100 th post... End of Arrow Season 3

I follow Arrow.

I am happy to see Oliver say he is happy.

To not know where he is going, and to have given up being a vigilante.

We all need rest time.

And love.

Elle me manque

Right now,... I am missing my mother.

It is not often that I feel her absence.

But sometimes at crossroads... I do. I would have sought her counsel.

Ended up going to Sangha.

I do not often go to Sangha,..

The talk was on Sunyata..

the basic translation of which is

The Buddha taught that this is like this, because that is like that . . . and that is like that, because this is like this; this is called dependent co-arising.”

“It is not the river that flows, the flow is the river; and there is no riverbed – the flow is therefore empty.”

“You can’t step into the same river twice.  Why?   Because you and the river are constantly changing.   The river does not stay the same and neither do you.”

I have actually been to the place in the picture.
It is called the horseshoe bend. 


Which translates into not dwelling on the past, or the future.

And I have been doing too much of both of recent.

Que pasa lo que pasa. To more immediate matters.

Love

This is so beautiful.

It was after KorrAsami aired last December, that I started to feel lonely.

And when I was sixteen, and crying that I could not have a 'normal' life.
I would have given anything to see this on TV.

These stories are important to have out there, for all old and young.

Love....

Pride - the movie

http://www.ttfilmfestival.com/eff-synopsis/pride/

THIS WAS GREAT!!!

https://megwurz.wordpress.com/tag/mineworkers/

There is a real lesson in the claim the name.

You want to call us Perverts.... well we are going to put a call out to all 'perverts'

You leave this moving feeling good to be gay.... AND PROUD!


Footnote:... The legal age for homosexual acts is apparently 21... in 1984.
I thank the UK LGBT movement for continuing to fight so that by the time, my time came around, I was able to come out at 19.

Mother's Day

I am motherless.

It's been a long time. And for the most part, mother's day passes without comment.
It is unsaid, what is missing.

I never knew my mother as an adult.
As a woman.

I did however, get to know her sister, quite well.

She gave me the best advice when it comes to jobs.

"Sounds to me like you are trying to make work for yourself.
Why don't you go do something natural, like I did.
Hair grows an inch a month, and you can't see in the back of your head so you have to get someone else to cut it.
You get to choose who you want to meet, and if you do not like them, once you have your clientele, you can always say you are busy. Or if you opt to make an appointment, you only have to grin at them for one afternoon."

It is actually very good advice, and there are times when I ditch the desk job and basically hustle for a living doing odd jobs here and there.

Which is somewhat odd for someone who holds qualifications categorised as a 2 in the Development Needs List.

ie. The demand for trained professionals in this area exceeds the supply by approximately 30% to 40% at the undergraduate and post graduate levels.

But, basically for a lot less money, I get flexibility over my time and who I socialise with.

And in some ways because of that, I feel less social stress, to conform.

I think given our environment, SSAIGD youth, should consider this type of thing when they are looking at careers, or at least skill sets.

Generally organisations are unfriendly and are to be avoided for long periods.

I am ready to leave and be a free spirit,.. but to try a ting....
I'll have a go at managing complexity.

May my lives cross

I say lives, because for the most part, I do keep my lives separate.

But upon thinking of the dead man... and I do have a daily reminder of him.

I have come to the realisation that managing complexity is .... part of life.

So for the first time, I am inviting members of my family to come join me in supporting a LGBT event.

Hopefully this goes well,... it is a first step.

Exceptions

Unfortunately, my exception is more of a probability, but it's high enough that I thought it was worth putting in place certain measures.

The odd thing is that, in attempting to do something for someone else..

I found back my pride

Insomnia

I need a new job.

Jowelle De Souza

This is my response to the Jowelle De Souza debate

http://www.newsday.co.tt/news/0,210430.html

1. JOWELLE IS A HETEROSEXUAL!

http://www.trinidadexpress.com/woman-magazine/Jowelle-de-Souza-301284521.html


She is a woman attracted to men.

Not understanding this simple basic misrepresentation,... in the first paragraph of the Newsday article, makes the entire article irrelevant.

But here is a challenge to her two opponents, as it is reminiscent of when someone called Obama an Arab.

Discussed here

And just like in this case

http://www.trinidadexpress.com/news/FIRED-FOR--RACIST-RANT-296673091.html 


Neither Gay nor Transsexual is a legitimate slur.

So I challenge, if there is a constituency meeting for either candidate to state

Jowelle is a good person and happens to be a transsexual and one does not negate the other.

or something to that effect.