Dreamfall

Feeling hopeful

Who to tell first

There is really no first... but there is a top five list

• A close coworker of same or higher rank but not your immediate supervisor (they can lend some objectivity)
• Your immediate supervisor (it is better that they hear it first from you rather than someone else)
• Another person in authority (this is an alternate person to whom you can appeal in the event of an incident)
• A person in another department (this is good for determining how far your rumour mill is reaching)
• The person(s) you supervise

These are hard conversations, and you may have to replace your first picks.

It is generally done outside the office,... cars,.. restaurants etc.

Do ask any who do not support you to
Respect your confidentiality (ie. they do not have to know that they are one of many, you can say you were confiding in them, and establish that as the rules of the conversation from the beginning)

Hopefully this gives you time to approach the replacements.

But once you have a network around you, ... you can be freer in your conversations...

And very quickly... the rumour mill will do the rest.

Things to consider beforehand

You need to consider the following

1. Your personal safety both at home and at work
2. Confidentiality issues - your family
3. Victimisation
4. Harassment

Personal safety in this society is paramount.

• Do any of your coworkers know where you live?
• Is this information documented where it can be easily accessed?
• How do you commute?

Your family

• Are you out to your official next of kin contact?
• Are there any other personal contacts in your workplace, persons from church, family friends who do not know about your sexual identity?

Victimisation

• What is the HR policy? Complaints procedure?
• Have there been past precedents, who left or were fired?
• How are effeminate men treated?

Harassment

• What type of language is tolerated in the environment? Are people allowed to use slurs?
• Have you seen any other person, for whatever reason, being harassed?
• What form does the harassment take?

Documenting the answers to these questions, can help you to gain an overview of the workplace environment.

And you may be able to identify steps to take to address some of them.

• Changing your next of kin

• Sensitising your coworkers about your concerns about your safety (this can be done in a more generalised crime context,... given the state of this country)

Selma Movie Quote

"The filth, deranged and twisted, but just ignorant enough to be serious"

I find resonance with the scene between Coretta and Martin, where she says this.

It is very real... and

But there is line... and sometimes it does get crossed.

It is positively blood curdling .... some of the threats that have been said to my face over the years.

Lots of it is drunken loosened tongues.

But you know what the scariest ones are..... the ones made sober... in quiet whispers.

I hate this fucking country

This one is just a rant.

This is all the stuff that is just so wrong about how we handle HIV.

Now, my reference point for this is always my friend G.

I met G at an LGBT mixer in Uni, which we do not have.

And one evening I remember the conversation, what are we rostering for?

Oh, keeping G company on clinic days.

I spent hours,... nah days... with G at Clinic.

We had a whole stock of don't get HIV cause you'll die of boredom jokes..

But no seriously,... I remember the clinic. It was part of the regular hospital.

Not some separate 'stigma' building.

And nurses were not all up in your business,.. there was no judgement.

But blood work takes forever... everywhere!

And yes, you'd get assholes... you get assholes everywhere folks.

But the difference is, that you were also more likely to get other people shouting down the hecklers.

And vis a vis promiscuity and condom use.

Trinis are ignorant @@%^*#

You don't mix strains... even in a committed relationship until the strains have been sorted out... condoms are still required.

And who are you to judge anyways.

Long Steups.

Be Real

Wont link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNPrbURhfHE


I think we need this on badges

Ally Statement

I am not lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.

However, I support human rights.

I believe that all persons are entitled to the right to security of person and should not be subjected to inhumane or degrading treatment.

Everyone has the right to recognition everywhere as a person before the law without distinction.

Whichever government is elected should act honorably in carrying out their obligations to all citizens. 

Inequity

http://www.markthomasinfo.co.uk/

I love Mark Thomas.

He is a political comedian in England... it's comedy meets activism.

But the link I want to share is this

http://www.markthomasinfo.co.uk/section_audiovideo/mp3s/richardwilkinson.mp3

Around time point 7:00

They start a discussion about inequality making society harder... and a lack of empathy across status differences.

I think this is very true of Trinidadian society as a whole.

Take me as I am

This one is for the oldies

Shame

I used to listen to this song a lot.

And based on this article... I am far from alone.

The survey found:

• 42% of young LGBT people have sought medical help for anxiety or depression

• 52% of young LGBT people report self-harm either now or in the past

• 44% of young LGBT people have considered suicide

There is definitely an argument for a Harvey Milk... even if only for the transgendered in this country.

Sadness

It is ok to feel sad sometimes.

But there are times, when the sadness threatens to turn into despair.

My trick I learnt a long time ago, is to create a simple want and fulfill it.

Over the years these have ranged from the fanciful to the simplistic

• To watching the sunset at the beach

• To going to see RENT (again)

• To renting my dream car just for a day, to have had the experience of driving one.

Compassion

Skip to 9:00

To bend another's energy,.. your own spirit must be unbendable
or you will be corrupted

It takes a lot, but eventually... and I can only do this the long way... hence the blog.

You can take the hateful energy and turn it into compassion within you.

I not really into the God thing,.. at least Christianity.

But on this occasion,.. I did find this simple Buddhist chant of use.

May all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness.

May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.

May all beings rejoice in the well-being of others.

May all beings live in peace, free from greed and hatred.

Regaining perspective

This has been a very emotional journey,.. but it needs a hiatus.

There are other aspects of my life that have been sorely neglected.

But because the attack can come at anytime, I do think that it will be worth it.

Persons who have been bullied, and still remain standing need certain qualities in order to thrive afterwards.

At some point you must let go of the Anger.

Anger

Anger can be a destructive force that distorts reality and blocks one's ability to deal with issues clearly. To feel anger is to see an enemy who must be attacked and conquered.

and at some point you also let go of the form that is Righteous Indignation.

... the simmering resentment over the injustice of being wrongly labeled.

Somehow, this makes the anger in the present, .. and not bitterness over past injustices.

And what you end up with is

A deep inner strength that does not always display itself on the surface.
It is as tough as an old samaan tree whose roots anchor it firmly against hurricanes.

These quiet ones absorb insult without breaking apart.
They must bend beneath the force of attacks against their integrity, then come back to a standing position still unbroken and intact.

Overcoming life's extra challenges involves having an inner structure as tough as iron, and includes the ability to absorb enormous insult without retaliating. They know not to fight every battle that comes along. And at times, a certain degree of meekness, the ability to turn the other cheek in the face of confrontation.

A healthy sense of humour as an antidote to self-pity.

why bother to stay, why not just leave.

I used to live in foreign.

And whilst yes, I was out in all aspects.

You have to deal with the cold, the racism, the accent thing.

There are freedoms yes, but there also other restrictions in order to fit in.

And some winter whilst you spend too much time listening to

You might actually long for your island... Homophobia or no.

Your family,.. and in some ways.. because of my family (and their acceptance) greater financial security.

One of my friends in foreign told me when I was deciding if to return.

"If you leave for a better life,.. you will have to fight for that life whereever you go

In this life, to live is to fight

But sometimes, you do get to pick your battlefield."

As a result of coming home... and it is still home,... despite.

I have had days when we went for a long lunch for an office birthday and it was a shark and bake up in Maracas... 

I have sunshine, and can visit the beach weekly.

I have my family.

I have doubles for breakfast.

I can talk as fast as I want, and no one goes I cannot understand you.

I can talk with my hands... and use "de mark buss" in my everyday language.

I have my plants,.. I'm into plants and like our tropical varieties.

So whilst I do wish for the wider scene

The dance classes,.. and just settling into a bar after work and watching the eye candy.

While I miss stand up comedy.. .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82UU5JE12ZM

I happen to think our comedy is crude in some ways.

Overall life is about balance.

That said, I wont promise I wont leave in the future.

Those who stayed and struggled

I've been back for a decade.. more or less.

Losses

As a result of the level of homophobia in work and my lack of tolerance for it, I do not think I have had the career I would have had had I stayed in foreign.

But in some ways,.. I don't regret that.

I think it helps me keep a healthy sense of life balance.

I earn enough that I am comfortable.

I am single and do also admit that the closeted aspect has increased tensions, particularly when you are not at the same level.

I remember a particularly heated conversation about going out to diner before a movie.
At that time, I preferred eating at home,.. she was a decent cook, because once the lights were off,.. the theatre was intimate.

But in restaurants, you do occasionally get stares,.. but it doesn't go further than that.

That said if you retreat to house parties.. I do find that because the reality that we socialise within social classes, that the relationships quickly become rather incestuous.

And I hate getting introduced to family members as a friend. And acting.

I do realise this is because I am out to my family and am not reasonably sympathetic.

I hate waiting outside for hours outside a gf workplace, because she cannot say her partner is waiting for her so she has to leave NOW.

I have actually done this for a co-worker... dealt with our supervisor.

I do recommend that you identify yourself to others.. so we can support each other.

Work related socialising

I share this one as a warning.

Almost a decade ago, I came out the first time.

I used to be an optimist.

Anyway, although the response was not that bad. HR basically said that since the policy doesn't speak to sexual orientation that it was up to me to defend myself about the verbal stuff.

The thing is,.. it didn't stay verbal.

I went to a work thing and had alcohol... I was a little happy.. Not happy happy, just loose.

I walked out to the car park by myself and got grabbed and gropped by one of my coworkers.

I actually froze.. which is not a very good response.

Had not another woman turned around as she was in the carpark and called out, it could have been more serious.

I no longer socialise with coworkers in general and certainly when I find it hard to avoid.. no alcohol.

A to do list

I have to focus on my school work and family life for a bit.

But so that I do not forget ...the to do list

Since we don't actually have a policy / framework.. to some extent you sort have to do HRs job for your supervisor.

I mean yes, you can just come out and then rely on this country's poor record for discrimination.

Or you can provide them with a bunch of tips

1. Tackling malicious gossip in the workplace.
(this one is established practice and will be rampant)

2. Do actually read the regulations and know the existing general rules.
Pity the Public Service regulations and charge for misconduct is so vague as to include almost anything.

I personally think you can try to engage the unions in tandem with the government, it would speed things along. Maybe it is my limited knowledge of IR, but as far as I understand unions are supposed to support extending rights to workers.

Today was a good day

Heard in the taxi on the way to work.

It was just what I needed.

Ordinary life

Least, anyone reading this thinks that I do not have an ordinary life, apart from the concerns of the coming trials.

The weather is turning very dry, and the PTSC strike caused much congestion on the way home.

And there was the diesel in the water,... really bad.

Looking forward to Game of Thrones new season, haven't watched Mad Men as yet.

Time to go work on my assignment on the Social Determinants of Health.

But not today

Fierce Conversations

"Begin to overhear yourself avoiding the topic, changing the subject, holding
back, telling little lies (and big ones), being imprecise in your language, being
uninteresting even to yourself. And at least once today, when something inside
you says, “This is an opportunity to be fierce,” stop for a moment, take a deep
breath, then come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it
real. Say something that is true for you. "

Refresher

http://www.sfhgroup.com/tto/training/educational-video.php

Was looking at this course, but it is too expensive.

But I think this is the type of thing that needs to be done.

Because these are difficult conversations.

(and I am very rusty)

For beginning the conversation

1: Professional conduct

2: An Example

3: Impact

4: Name your contribution to situation arising

5: Indicate resolution

6: Response

Simplicity

I think I have sorted out some of my feelings regarding the whole work thing.

At the end of the day, what I long for is simplicity.

Keeping track of having who know and who was told what, is at the end of  the day, simply too energy consuming.

I would rather take the flack at face value.

We need to learn to put aside our differences, for we are as diverse as the society that bore us.

As for my own history regarding activism and advocacy... I am feeling very old.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/onthisday/hi/dates/stories/april/30/newsid_2499000/2499249.stm

I was there, it felt like an earthquake and there were people running towards me with burns and glass sticking out of their faces... blood.

Hopefully we can have a more peaceful transition to acceptance.