Acceptance

Interesting themes

Timestamp 8:35....

The world over...  !!

Oh well... guess I am stereotypical..

Time will mend.. eventually.

Common trends

Time to make a change

Maybe I can find a girl and settle down....

;)

But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.
If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them you know not me.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

Dreamfall

"The things that make us what we are, that make our lives worth living, are always intangible and insubstantial. The best that we can hope for is that someday, somewhere a random cast off dream might ease someone else's pain or live on in someone else's memory"

http://4dogeaters.blogspot.com/2008/09/dreamfall.html

http://4dogeaters.blogspot.com/2008/06/one-of-our-sons-is-missing.html

http://4dogeaters.blogspot.com/2009/09/kikuyu.html

Rereading my old blog... I forgot about him.

And I just wonder, although I wasn't that close to him, if someone else had just been there to say, It's OK.


But in this world, witnessing violation takes a toll on our souls.

My last blog,. did not really tackle my sexuality issues.

But I have found one reference

http://4dogeaters.blogspot.com/2009/04/e-books.html

SUNDAY, JANUARY 11, 2009

Design

Just because you are on a well trodden path, doesn't mean it leads to where you want to go.

This year is the big 3 0.

So what have I accomplished?

I've learned
to love and to let go
to fight and to look before rushing into the fray
to keep a dream in the field of vision, but not be afraid to pass by a road that seems to lead to it
that sometimes courage is confronting the known rather than the unknown

I wouldn't be who I am now, if things had been different.

And I wouldn't want it any other way.

This year is 36

The career is almost there,.. master's anyway.

And what I have learnt this year is ... for better or worse
I am gay always... keeping that aspect of myself to myself is just not worth it.

I'd rather deal with the face value stuff,.. than quietly swallow bile.

But that also means... because of the way Trinidadian society is...

I am going to try to leave...

To not do so,.. would in the long run... leave me bitter.

The truth is I am ready to be more open, than society at large.
And I would like less negative consequences for doing so.

I have a very portable master's and some experience.

The only way I would even consider staying... is some assurance as to personal safety at work.

But also,.. my options for partners in this society are also somewhat limited,.. due to my openness.

Many  Trinidadians are not even out to their families,.. and open displays of affection are not encouraged.

As a woman, I do get stares... and then ... words which I will not repeat by drunkards...

Physical / Sexual assault in targeted attacks are a very real reality.. as is open harassment in the workplace.

And until we are ready to tackle these issues..

No one can tell me about brain drain..

Seldo

http://seldo.com/weblog/2011/08/11/it_gets_better

Jekyll and Hyde

For those with pre-existing mental issues,.. Dementia.. is a time bomb waiting to happen.

When CBT pathways are eroded...

And it is too hard to learn new ones.

What are our alternatives?

A year's work

But for now,... it is a little chilly,.... but not in all places.

But I am .... vulnerability is hard.

Stories of our lives - Trinidad Film Festival

These stories were so sad.

And what is sadder,.. is that I could tell they resonated with the LGBT members of the audience that I was in the audience with.

Some were crying.

Imagine IT CANNOT BE SCREENED IN KENYA!!

Elsewhere

I sold my soul for freedom

lonely... but sweet

Easy... to deactivate... and safer

As it is, they stare daggers at the monster

Good Will Hunting

The truth is I don't talk about work at home.

It's...  would take too many words... and too hard to explain.

But I was looking at this scene last night.
"You have any experience with that"

The sad thing is,... what I never got to say.. haven't said to anyone involved.

"It's not your fault"

"I'm sorry"

Cause in many ways,.. this entire no win situation.

Is bigger than us all.

Alone

An alien

I have always identified as female.
I may not have always been completely comfortable with my body, but that has come with time.

I have never worn make up.
And I keep my hair short.. and it was only at 30, that I coloured it for the first time.
Nailpolish is my one concession, lip balm and moisturiser depending on climates,.. but in those climates, everyone uses lip balm and moisturiser.

It is true, I wear blouses that are pushing shirts
Oh,.. just looked it up, they are in fact shirts, oh well.
But they are very me.

And if you see me outside work in anything but a t-shirt, cargo pants and sports sandals.. it was a special occasion.

And yes, the shoes live in my bottom drawer, and I arrive in sports sandals.
( and my sandals are not readily available in Trinidad )

And no, I don't wear skirts or dresses.
or stockings

And I don't aspire to get married... (can't in this country in any case, and relationships in this place are very hard, where open displays of affection, or even discussing my partner are taboo topics)

And I'll never have kids.

..... or a career. (that used to be a ruse)

Right now...

My health issues are women's issues.

Apart from that...

I AM AN INDIVIDUAL.

With personality and character...

And competent to do the tasks at hand.

Why does the rest matter, and ... I am not intentionally offending anyone.

I was going to post "Helen Reddy - I am woman"
But the truth is, at the moment,.. I feel most alienated by the other women.

I'll live with alien... I am a sci-fi fan.  I can accept being a humanoid alien.

Cause at the moment,.. I'm not sure I'm human.

Waking dreams

Death is kindness

Tactics for solitude

Hopefully, your job has some level of autonomy.

And as I said in the beginning, please take the waiting time to demonstrate competence.

So apart from going elsewhere to eat, since eating is sometimes a social event.

If you have managed to maintain a good relationship with your boss..

You can 'unofficially' work flextime,.. in solitude.

eg. Today I arrived late and left late...

So less time with other co-workers... which is still a little awkward.
But you must still do the work,.. and try to maintain a decent level of quality.

Then you are free to go home and ... be safe.

Normally,.. I would be looking forward to the films in the festival which starts tonight, but...
I'm just too drained.

And school starts soon. At least in school, via distance,... I have no issues. The entire thing is conducted in a country with diversity policies,...  Costly,.. but piece of mind.

Solitude.. crossdressers and drag queens

There is a certain amount of social isolation in being 'monster'.

Not sure if I am sub-human... or just not human.

It is a lonely life..

But it is in some ways, better than overt hostility.

You find ways,.. eat lunch in local 'take aways'..
Listen to music.

And learn to 'dress' according to the norms.

Nail polish is not acceptable unless it matches your clothes...

But it takes much energy,.. so you go home,.. tired.

But slowly,.. you get accustomed to your fortress of solitude.

Aloneness.. is safe.

Gender norms

OK, PNM win... so new regime.

Low and behold... one of my allies has turned on me.

That hurt cause I have been personally coaching her for almost two months.

I happen to think I am a decent judge of character.

But she has turned and called me names... to my face!

I was stunned,... completely stunned.

And the name is gender neutral,... I've seen it used with gay men.

But my response,... has to be AS A WOMAN.

Cause the last time I checked, a lesbian is no  less of a woman.

OK, it is true,.. I have not been conforming to gender norms as regards to my outward appearance.

And she takes great care in hers,.. And some of the others,...

What they find most threatening, is that I do not conform when they spend so much effort trying to.

The most peer pressure I have gotten is from OTHER WOMEN!

.. along the lines ... you better had or else.

Men, haven't told me anything... they just looking on.

And I have a feeling, they will only get involved on the encouragement of A WOMAN.

So it is other women, who leading the charge to ostracise me.

Conflict among women, usually stays verbal. And I have as yet to have given a response.

But the non-verbal response coming.

Cause when I walk into the office tomorrow... without a word.

There will be no doubt I AM ALL WOMAN!

Who will find your body

Full of despair inside a darkness
Self conscious and scared, held prisoner of war
Running out of air, buried in a sadness
Want a way out of this paralyzing world
And the sound of the cries when a family's loved one dies
It echoes through a vacant room where a young soul still resides

Searching for a way to escape the madness
A dire need for change as we fight for better days
The hurt and the pain cut deep like a razor blade
Holding in a cry for love, abandoned and afraid

When the night is cold and you feel like no-one knows
what it's like to be the only one buried in this hole
You can make it to the sunrise

Iroh:
Sometimes the best way to solve your own problems is to help someone else.

I see how hurt she is sometimes,.. imagine over a decade later.
Wondering why?

Hearing the story of how he was found. 
Not knowing his friends,..
Wondering if they missed... signs..


So when I saw the signs (and ppl I've had my own mental health issues, I know the signs)
I thought the best gift, I could give was to cut the charade (one less thing to cope with)
It sort of solves both problems (two birds, one stone)

So that we can meet as equally,.. and move forward. 

I