The End

An isolating experience

This has for me been an isolating experience.

And it is not just about not discussing your harassment with other people, and it is not done,.. not just to not scare them.

It is also because,..

1) admitting it would make it real... for some I think,.. it would be better I not.

2) Because,... we don't want to secondary traumatise anybody

http://www.nctsn.org/resources/topics/secondary-traumatic-stress

And secondly,..
I've changed.

If you'd told me this was about dignity,..months ago. I wouldn't have got it.

And now... yeah.. one word.

It's something I kept saying,.. the person who takes the pioneer role, has to be able to demonstrate appropriate behaviour under pressure. And by this I mean, tremendous insult.

And I know I can,.. continue to do so.

Trust me,.. some days I have a few choice words .. 

But they have for the most part not been uttered.

In person,.. what you may be seeing looks like practiced nonchalance.

That doesn't mean I don't hurt.

Survivors commonly comment on feeling somehow ‘different’ to their peers, as though their experiences have in some way set them apart from the rest of society.

I asked about this before

How do you know it is abuse... 

It has to do with power...

There comes a very real feeling there is no choice anymore.

And in this case there really is no choice.

It's part of the deal,.. that's just the way this place is.

So ... like many things... you learn to live with it.

And you bend... hopefully not broken completely at the end of all this. 

5 hours sleep

G once said to me he was grateful for every night he had somewhere warm to sleep, was not hungry and got five hours sleep.

What was he saying... he had spent some time where he didn't have that.

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/oct/22/40-of-homeless-youths-are-lgbt-and-im-currently-one-of-them

I don't know the current situation in England, but G had to turn 18 to apply for housing.

Between 16 and 18... you get placed in a group home.


And I've had students,... who also clearly have no fixed place of abode.
Sometimes gay as well.

The reality is we have no where to place them, and that's what the funding for.

As to my own contribution....

It is in reality.. that of the adult to the child.. well young adult.

It is the attempt to go back and fix... what can't be fixed.

And perhaps it is also an acknowledgement that..

Although in Trinidad, because of the way we socialise..

There is really more of a gender divide here.. I think it has to do with the society not being open.

And yes, I do complain about the males dominating the discussion, like the rest of the women.

But I also know,.. that ... and that is why I was able to devise an approach for all.

We walk parallel paths. Sometimes very close paths.

And it is a good thing,.. I have had those relationships...

Because without that.. I do not think I would have been able to do what I did.

Wayward weeping voices that you will hear
Each with their own story to tell
And you have the choice to bend your ear
And treat your fellow humans well

There is no fixing this

That's the bottom line.

Even if I leave,.. and this is my hypothesis.

The damage that has been done is permanent.

And this is not about trying,.. or will.

At this point in time,.. some of ... what remains... and festers.

Is hard wired.  

And you have to learn to live with it.

The best I can hope for is that 

"The things that make us what we are, that make our lives worth living, are always intangible and insubstantial. The best that we can hope for is that someday, somewhere a random cast off dream might ease someone else's pain or live on in someone else's memory"

Home

I am aware I am in a depressed mood.

But.. since I am BP.. I expect this to resolve itself.. on its own.

Absolutely sure.

________

I don't really talk about my exes... but there was one.

After the bad relationship.

The one who took me dancing...

By that time,... I expected to be treated badly.

And I remember her saying

"Love comes with respect,.. and no one who truly loved you would have treated you like that."

I have been loved by some good women.

And been befriended by some good men.

Just saying.

Growing up gender queer

I would say it started from Form 4.

The change over to streaming.. for sciences.. which was a more competitive group..
was to my detriment.
The friends I had managed to make were no longer with me.
This is on the teacher's report and may have been an added factor. (Girls who perform well at school)
Please note... Boys who perform well are also there.
JEALOUSY

I don't know who started the rumour.

The rumour had to have started first.
But it resulted in the Verbal abuse... and Vandalism and Physical abuse
My calculator was broken and I was tripped,..
It is humiliating to be tripped and have your books spill and no one helps. The bullies just laugh.

But ultimately,.. it all leads to isolation.

I have no friends from school days.

All that combined with the issues at home,.. resulted in self harm.

But the status quo in THIS society... is this was a GOOD School

A PRESTIGE SCHOOL.

And Prestige schools are same sex schools.

And we live in the 1960s and girls' uniforms are skirts.

So you can get told repeatedly to 'sit properly'.

It sounds petty,.. but on top of everything else.

....

My mother was brave enough to break taboo.

She transferred her child from a PRESTIGE school to a CO ED Government secondary.

A new start.

And she told the Principal she would deal with my father.

She was specifically asked if he would come to make a scene.

All she asked was how many signatures do you need on the transfer form... only one.

I remember the argument.

And my mother stood her ground, but came to me.. close to tears.. and she would have been stage 4 by this time.

"Prove me right for once."

Cause my mother was a C student and ... had been taught by the very school system to doubt herself.
(That's a long story,... but it is true. )

And it did work.

For someone who is gender queer... what is a good school?

I got to wear jeans and t-shirt to school.. Same subjects.. continuation of actual learning materials and assessment - Exam.

I felt more at ease in my self,.. in clothes of my own choosing.
It sounds petty,.. but getting to decide what you wear every day.. is a blessing.

No one had seen me humiliated,.. well there were a few, but they were in the minority and did not engage in the malicious gossip,.. as they too had left.
And perhaps we agreed to leave what had transpired in that other school behind us,.. they too must have had their reasons for leaving. (And it isn't always .. you didn't make the grade)

As someone who is two spirit,... I have a good question

How the hell do people expect for a girl, and a non-conforming girl at that, to be able to come to terms with aspects of her personality that are masculine... surrounded by only FEMALES!

Having boys to interact with on a daily basis helped.
And they understood that I was not attracted.. also because I was bright... I had learned I could earn their respect by peer tutoring. They did not see me as a competitor in the same way.
And also the entire school was less competitive. So it worked.

And I got to join them going Ascot to play pool. Cause I am a decent pool player.
And they felt comfortable discussing girls with me.
So in some ways it worked,.. and continues depending on my company.
I'm one of the boys.
I did Physics.. there were only four girls in the physics class,.. we were outnumbered 4 to 1.
And my university classes mirrored this ratio.
And some workplaces.

I did physics in the all girls school as well,.. but ... because there was no gender divide,.. this didn't come up.

I describe the Govt Secondary,.. as my best educational experience.

The prestige school is brick and mortar.. it feels it must stand strong and weather the elements. Non - transparent.

The Govt secondary was ... A wire fence.

Able to support... but also to bend. And see through. Decisions were not hidden behind 'protocol'.

And the principal... you could come and go as you wanted,.. as long as you attended classes, and did your work. Sometimes there were options to attend classes ie Maths A or Maths B as long as you cleared it with the teachers,.. who were flexible.. understanding of schedule.

There was no dean of discipline.. ALL teachers were expected to tackle discipline issues.
And I understand there was some level of mentorship for new teachers.
And the Librarian was actively involved in helping students find resources..

And that is environment in which boy-girl... girl-boy... was able to feel supported enough to
have easier social interactions.
was not bullied.

And having to explain things,.. helps you understand them.

I was awarded a scholarship.. three weeks before my mother died.

And sometimes,.. if you ask me why I did it... Cause I really did work harder than I think I have ever worked since...

No Hopers

Hope,...is a fragile thing.

No voice, no future, no leadership

"Live and breathe this,.. their kids don't live and breathe this."

This is about INEQUITY...

DRACARYS

I HAVE A LIVE DRAGON EGG!!

Leadership

Silence

Willful Blindness

Sunday Afternoons

My best friend
Always had sweets to share,
He knew every word in the dictionary

I wish that I could be like
Wear clean clothes, talk properly like
Do sums and history like

My best friend

He could swear like a soldier

You would laugh till you died

At the stories he told y'

I wish that I could be like

Kick a ball and climb a tree like

Run around with dirty knees like

This is a story of two twins who were separated and one was raised in a lower class family (the birth family) and the other was adopted by an upper class family, the mother was the house help.

But the two boys grew together, and were drawn to each other.

Then after childhood they were separated, one went to university and the other was unemployed and ended up in prison. 

At the end, the .... " I could have been him"

Folks,.. I did joke on seeing the picture.. "Who aint dead badly wounded."

But I use laughter to cover discomfort,... an uncomfortable truth.

Patience

Patience is a little like sticking a knife in your heart. It’s painful. It’s not what you’d do willingly. Yet if you truly respect and love each other, it means you chose someone else to put first, even beyond your own wants and needs. And no, though it doesn’t stop hurting, it does get easier to let go of the selfishness keeping your wounds fresh and stinging every time you exercise patience.

I am not alone

Resilence

If I was sixteen and was facing going back to school tomorrow.

Suicide would look like a viable option at the moment.

As it is,.. I am looking to see if anything was put up.
And I get why cyberbullying, so dangerous.
More dangerous than overt hostility in many ways.


I didn't think there was any lower to go.

I've been called names to my face.
Played tricks.
To the point I am uncertain as to my physical safety.

And then,.. because for the most part I have responded with silence.

They have taken my name.. and my 'avatar' identity.. with the threat to create a fake and put words in my mouth that are not mine.

Now as an adult with an identity,.. so I can go.. or they calling me .. whatever.. and say
That's not true, because I know what my identity is.

If you are sixteen years old and questioning,.. you can't do that.

School is a disproportionate part of your social life,.. or what remains of it.

I have other circles that remain untouched by this, I can retain a sense of normalcy.

And even as regards to the 'avatar' identity.. and this blog was part of the answer in anticipation to this one,..  people who know me, know me well enough that they know it is not true.
And I know them well enough to know that they will take it within context. Cause they are also adults.

As for the adult suicide case,.. his case was different.
He wasn't even out to his family,... and I don't know the extent to which he sought support from the gay family.

You have to have a few of those who know,.. what is going on.
Someone who late at night,.. you can just arrive crying and they will open their door without question and let you stay.

Cause when you live alone,.. it's not a great place to be,.. when you are going through this.
And friends who are good enough, to know when it doesn't sound right when you cancel plans.

And I am fairly certain the two people who probably saved my life..
had been there themselves,.. that's why they knew.

Let's figure out how to make sure they remember they survived their nightmare.

Cyber Harassment

So anyway,.. I received via email a fake facebook profile shared with racy photos of a woman.

So after the verbal to your face stuff.

Which was seen as overt.

We gone cyber... which has the ability to cross into my personal life.

Right,... this caused me to panic.

Cause, I can so anticipate that this will be done in my turn.
I took down my personal facebook profile weeks ago.
And given what has happened,.. that profile will die.

Another may be created,.. in my real name after this is all over.

But what I was concerned about,.. which honestly...
if from your own interactions with me... THE REAL ME.
You have not managed to gauge my true personality.

I don't have the energy.

Identity

Branded

Lying

Don't ask if I'm okay.

"Said I'm okay,.. but I know how to lie"

Acceptance

Interesting themes

Timestamp 8:35....

The world over...  !!

Oh well... guess I am stereotypical..

Time will mend.. eventually.

Common trends

Time to make a change

Maybe I can find a girl and settle down....

;)

But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.
If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them you know not me.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

Dreamfall

"The things that make us what we are, that make our lives worth living, are always intangible and insubstantial. The best that we can hope for is that someday, somewhere a random cast off dream might ease someone else's pain or live on in someone else's memory"

http://4dogeaters.blogspot.com/2008/09/dreamfall.html

http://4dogeaters.blogspot.com/2008/06/one-of-our-sons-is-missing.html

http://4dogeaters.blogspot.com/2009/09/kikuyu.html

Rereading my old blog... I forgot about him.

And I just wonder, although I wasn't that close to him, if someone else had just been there to say, It's OK.


But in this world, witnessing violation takes a toll on our souls.

My last blog,. did not really tackle my sexuality issues.

But I have found one reference

http://4dogeaters.blogspot.com/2009/04/e-books.html

SUNDAY, JANUARY 11, 2009

Design

Just because you are on a well trodden path, doesn't mean it leads to where you want to go.

This year is the big 3 0.

So what have I accomplished?

I've learned
to love and to let go
to fight and to look before rushing into the fray
to keep a dream in the field of vision, but not be afraid to pass by a road that seems to lead to it
that sometimes courage is confronting the known rather than the unknown

I wouldn't be who I am now, if things had been different.

And I wouldn't want it any other way.

This year is 36

The career is almost there,.. master's anyway.

And what I have learnt this year is ... for better or worse
I am gay always... keeping that aspect of myself to myself is just not worth it.

I'd rather deal with the face value stuff,.. than quietly swallow bile.

But that also means... because of the way Trinidadian society is...

I am going to try to leave...

To not do so,.. would in the long run... leave me bitter.

The truth is I am ready to be more open, than society at large.
And I would like less negative consequences for doing so.

I have a very portable master's and some experience.

The only way I would even consider staying... is some assurance as to personal safety at work.

But also,.. my options for partners in this society are also somewhat limited,.. due to my openness.

Many  Trinidadians are not even out to their families,.. and open displays of affection are not encouraged.

As a woman, I do get stares... and then ... words which I will not repeat by drunkards...

Physical / Sexual assault in targeted attacks are a very real reality.. as is open harassment in the workplace.

And until we are ready to tackle these issues..

No one can tell me about brain drain..

Seldo

http://seldo.com/weblog/2011/08/11/it_gets_better

Jekyll and Hyde

For those with pre-existing mental issues,.. Dementia.. is a time bomb waiting to happen.

When CBT pathways are eroded...

And it is too hard to learn new ones.

What are our alternatives?

A year's work

But for now,... it is a little chilly,.... but not in all places.

But I am .... vulnerability is hard.

Stories of our lives - Trinidad Film Festival

These stories were so sad.

And what is sadder,.. is that I could tell they resonated with the LGBT members of the audience that I was in the audience with.

Some were crying.

Imagine IT CANNOT BE SCREENED IN KENYA!!

Elsewhere

I sold my soul for freedom

lonely... but sweet

Easy... to deactivate... and safer

As it is, they stare daggers at the monster

Good Will Hunting

The truth is I don't talk about work at home.

It's...  would take too many words... and too hard to explain.

But I was looking at this scene last night.
"You have any experience with that"

The sad thing is,... what I never got to say.. haven't said to anyone involved.

"It's not your fault"

"I'm sorry"

Cause in many ways,.. this entire no win situation.

Is bigger than us all.

Alone

An alien

I have always identified as female.
I may not have always been completely comfortable with my body, but that has come with time.

I have never worn make up.
And I keep my hair short.. and it was only at 30, that I coloured it for the first time.
Nailpolish is my one concession, lip balm and moisturiser depending on climates,.. but in those climates, everyone uses lip balm and moisturiser.

It is true, I wear blouses that are pushing shirts
Oh,.. just looked it up, they are in fact shirts, oh well.
But they are very me.

And if you see me outside work in anything but a t-shirt, cargo pants and sports sandals.. it was a special occasion.

And yes, the shoes live in my bottom drawer, and I arrive in sports sandals.
( and my sandals are not readily available in Trinidad )

And no, I don't wear skirts or dresses.
or stockings

And I don't aspire to get married... (can't in this country in any case, and relationships in this place are very hard, where open displays of affection, or even discussing my partner are taboo topics)

And I'll never have kids.

..... or a career. (that used to be a ruse)

Right now...

My health issues are women's issues.

Apart from that...

I AM AN INDIVIDUAL.

With personality and character...

And competent to do the tasks at hand.

Why does the rest matter, and ... I am not intentionally offending anyone.

I was going to post "Helen Reddy - I am woman"
But the truth is, at the moment,.. I feel most alienated by the other women.

I'll live with alien... I am a sci-fi fan.  I can accept being a humanoid alien.

Cause at the moment,.. I'm not sure I'm human.

Waking dreams

Death is kindness

Tactics for solitude

Hopefully, your job has some level of autonomy.

And as I said in the beginning, please take the waiting time to demonstrate competence.

So apart from going elsewhere to eat, since eating is sometimes a social event.

If you have managed to maintain a good relationship with your boss..

You can 'unofficially' work flextime,.. in solitude.

eg. Today I arrived late and left late...

So less time with other co-workers... which is still a little awkward.
But you must still do the work,.. and try to maintain a decent level of quality.

Then you are free to go home and ... be safe.

Normally,.. I would be looking forward to the films in the festival which starts tonight, but...
I'm just too drained.

And school starts soon. At least in school, via distance,... I have no issues. The entire thing is conducted in a country with diversity policies,...  Costly,.. but piece of mind.

Solitude.. crossdressers and drag queens

There is a certain amount of social isolation in being 'monster'.

Not sure if I am sub-human... or just not human.

It is a lonely life..

But it is in some ways, better than overt hostility.

You find ways,.. eat lunch in local 'take aways'..
Listen to music.

And learn to 'dress' according to the norms.

Nail polish is not acceptable unless it matches your clothes...

But it takes much energy,.. so you go home,.. tired.

But slowly,.. you get accustomed to your fortress of solitude.

Aloneness.. is safe.

Gender norms

OK, PNM win... so new regime.

Low and behold... one of my allies has turned on me.

That hurt cause I have been personally coaching her for almost two months.

I happen to think I am a decent judge of character.

But she has turned and called me names... to my face!

I was stunned,... completely stunned.

And the name is gender neutral,... I've seen it used with gay men.

But my response,... has to be AS A WOMAN.

Cause the last time I checked, a lesbian is no  less of a woman.

OK, it is true,.. I have not been conforming to gender norms as regards to my outward appearance.

And she takes great care in hers,.. And some of the others,...

What they find most threatening, is that I do not conform when they spend so much effort trying to.

The most peer pressure I have gotten is from OTHER WOMEN!

.. along the lines ... you better had or else.

Men, haven't told me anything... they just looking on.

And I have a feeling, they will only get involved on the encouragement of A WOMAN.

So it is other women, who leading the charge to ostracise me.

Conflict among women, usually stays verbal. And I have as yet to have given a response.

But the non-verbal response coming.

Cause when I walk into the office tomorrow... without a word.

There will be no doubt I AM ALL WOMAN!

Who will find your body

Full of despair inside a darkness
Self conscious and scared, held prisoner of war
Running out of air, buried in a sadness
Want a way out of this paralyzing world
And the sound of the cries when a family's loved one dies
It echoes through a vacant room where a young soul still resides

Searching for a way to escape the madness
A dire need for change as we fight for better days
The hurt and the pain cut deep like a razor blade
Holding in a cry for love, abandoned and afraid

When the night is cold and you feel like no-one knows
what it's like to be the only one buried in this hole
You can make it to the sunrise

Iroh:
Sometimes the best way to solve your own problems is to help someone else.

I see how hurt she is sometimes,.. imagine over a decade later.
Wondering why?

Hearing the story of how he was found. 
Not knowing his friends,..
Wondering if they missed... signs..


So when I saw the signs (and ppl I've had my own mental health issues, I know the signs)
I thought the best gift, I could give was to cut the charade (one less thing to cope with)
It sort of solves both problems (two birds, one stone)

So that we can meet as equally,.. and move forward. 

I 

It does get better - loving the honesty with my coworkers

Compassion is hard folks.

" Some, if you ain't been through it, you can't imagine how it breaks your heart, tears it in shreds, bit by bit, night by night.
It's like you still a little child, screaming and sobbing at the top of your lungs from seeing the Devil and his wickedness all night long
and nobody never hears you, nor comes to comfort you.
And it goes on and on, not for just one night, but for a long long time.

If you don't think you have a choice, you don't have it.
And it gets to be this kind of sink-or-swim method of living.
It ain't a great way to go, but if you know no other way,
you just got to go ahead and do it.

And if you got to swim, and you ain't had lessons, you best pay attention.
I mean it, paying attention is the only way to make it, if that's where you are.....

And  it wasn't nice, and it was sad, but it was what was.
I mean, if she wanted a home
and she was going to need one after all this
she had to make a home.

She had to learn to make it herself.

And not just a place to live, but a place to be.
A place in her heart she felt proud of and work she was happy to do.

I mean, she had a job, came home with a paycheck, but with a sad bitter heartache too...

But they's lots of ways to kill a person.
And shame is as deadly as dust."

Money aint everything

I never will forget him
For he made me what I am 
Though he may be gone
Memory lingers on
And I miss him... the old man

And suddenly.......

My father is a rare cat.

... once upon a time,.. I had what to general perception was "a good job"
I was permanent and earned more than I do now.
But I was being asked to do things,.. which although not technically illegal... of questionable morality.

And it started to eat me,.. as I started to realise the magnitude of the consequences of what "we" were doing.

(Please note... no one make a jail as yet... although there was a public inquiry)

Anyway,.. I was renting,... and took my father to the beach one day.
And I told him... in broad terms..

That I needed to leave the job,...
cause at the end of the day...

The person you have to sleep with... is yourself.

And all my father said was
Your room is as you left it... do what you have to.

I was an adult woman.. in a managerial position.
Had six figures in savings... but knew I wanted to change my career field.

He was not obligated to take me back in.

In fact I know many parents who would have tried to help their child ease their conscience.

My father just said

Money ain't everything.

Death comes to us all,... it is the great equalizer

I cannot remember when I stopped praying for a cure.
And started to pray for death to come.
To ease her suffering.
To bring release.

Death is kindness...

If you stab yourself close to the top of your thigh.. to the bone..

The femoral artery is too high to turnkey and you bleed out in five minutes.

No regrets

I am reminded,.. that the paper's not the point

I am thinking anxiety.
Maybe with deep pressure touch
or dementia

London calling

My results are good.

I am going to London.

It is something to look forward to,.. and I need to switch focus a little bit, cause I have no clue what I wish to do for my master's project.

I know I want to do something on Mental Health.

And a systematic review.

The case for the World Health Organization's Commission on the Social Determinants of Health to address sexual orientation.

Been thinking about that, but will not do something so specific.

I love the fact I am out in work.

Making real progress this year.

Without a hitch

I may feel I am rusty,.. but the reality is I have been having these conversations for YEARS.

Top five went off smoothly.

Trinidad is very tolerant, overall.

A few pointers though.

• Do offer to answer any questions that they may have.
  
• Assure them that you have support and can give advice as to possible HR matters.
  
• Give them some one to talk to, because they may not want to discuss their feelings as they sort them out with you directly.

I may just decide to become a lifer after all this.

Things to remember

Treat your fellow humans well.

Random Thoughts

Born alone and Die alone

You might take my life
But you can't take my soul
You can't take my soul
You might take my freedom
But you can't take my soul
You can't take my soul

Whether it's a cancer patient or assassination
Or I fought for emancipation
My intentions were pure, you can debate 'em
But no, never ever shook hands with Satan
My fans are amazing, I thank and praise 'em
When I die, don't cry, just congratulations
A million more feet will stamp the pavement with plans of changes, no exaggeration
We will not be ignored
You'll be rocked with the force of the bombs that you dropped in these wars
I will not be bought
And I consciously thought it was wrong, so I constantly fought
Peace is something I would really adore
But we are at war so give me a sword
I'm merely a corpse, but still be assured
When you kill me there will be a million more

Born alone and die alone
Those words ringin' inside my dome
Best friends are the pen and the microphone
Roamin' until I find my way home
Turn my body cold but my soul is mine
Take a deep breath and I close my eyes
I will go when I'm supposed to die
But in death I will multiply

My back's against the wall
But you can't kill us all
Even if you take my life
Still we will survive
We shall overcome
And the tables will turn
Today I die as one, but as millions I'll return
But as millions I'll return
But as millions I'll return

In these critical times don't be really surprised
If I get victimised by Gideon's spies
I sympathise with that Brazilian guy
On the tube, but we're used to the hideous lie
Your civilians die - millions cry
Our civilians die - they're militants, right?
How silly am I to be figuring why
The injustice is clear, and I feel it inside
Hear me in Gaza, here me in Glasgow
Hear me in Baghdad, hear me in Plaistow
Clearly they hear me from here to Chicago
Think things are all good but they aren't though
Peace is something I would really adore
But we are at war so give me a sword
I'm merely a corpse, but still be assured
When you kill me there will be a million more

Born alone and die alone
Those words ringin' inside my dome
Best friends are the pen and the microphone
Roamin' until I find my way home
Turn my body cold but my soul is mine
Take a deep breath and I close my eyes
I will go when I'm supposed to die
But in death I will multiply

My back's against the wall
But you can't kill us all
Even if you take my life
Still we will survive
We shall overcome
And the tables will turn
Today I die as one, but as millions I'll return
But as millions I'll return
But as millions I'll return

My people are bleedin'
So I'm readin' and seekin' the deepest of meanin's
My demons are breedin'
In my sleep I can feel it, I need to defeat 'em
My temperature's risin'
If tempted I'll rise with the temper of Tyson
Resent all the violence
Cause of people with tension
It tends to divide them
The pen that I write with
Is better than a sword when I strike with the strength of a Titan
My friends are still fighting against all the tyrants
So then why would it end when I die then?
Peace is something I would really adore
But we are at war my pen's killing your sword
I'm merely a corpse, but still be assured
When you kill me there will be a million more

Born alone and die alone
Those words ringin' inside my dome
Best friends are the pen and the microphone
Roamin' until I find my way home
Turn my body cold but my soul is mine
Take a deep breath and I close my eyes
I will go when I'm supposed to die
But in death I will multiply

My back's against the wall
But you can't kill us all
Even if you take my life
Still we will survive
We shall overcome
And the tables will turn
Today I die as one, but as millions I'll return
But as millions I'll return
But as millions I'll return

You might take my life
But you can't take my soul
You can't take my soul
You might take my freedom
But you can't take my soul
You can't take my soul

You might take my life
But you can't take my soul
You can't take my soul
You might take my freedom
But you can't take my soul
You can't take my soul

Pride Respect Honour and Dignity

Forget division based on ethnicity or religion ....
Pain is still pain if you’re a person that’s missing
We all deserve a life in this earth that we live in


And it’s not about pity, hands out or sympathy
It’s about Pride, Respect, Honour and Dignity

Sorry that I wasn’t there, Sorry that I couldn’t help
I’m sorry for every tear, Sorry you’ve been put through hell


Such a villianized and criticized nation

Where is our freedom?

The accused

Reviews from IMDB

the flashback re-enactment shows all too clearly no amount of provocation could justify such a brutal response. 

This movie is about more than rape. It's about societal views of rape and the objectification of the female in a patriarchal society. The actual courtroom drama portion is not prosecuting the rapists, but the men who cheered on and encouraged the gang rape of a woman in a public place. As you watch the movie, look at the image of the woman on the pinball machine; look at the friend who turned away; the boyfriend who expects the victim to "get over it;" the lawyer who thinks it's OK to cut a deal that removes a rape charge in order to get the rapists behind bars, without thought for the life of the victim afterward. Society is on trial here.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xnw9l7_the-accused-jodie-foster_redband

The film is about a violent assault carried out by a group of strangers.

But what bothers me about the real life memory... is that this was not a group of strangers.

And in Trinidad,.. because of the insecurity of the situation...

The attitude is

I didn't see
I can't recall
This not my business

Now without going into details,.. I will say this.

If you want to overtly express your contempt.. for his honesty about his sexuality.. fine.

But who the fuck made you jury and executioner.

Cause the thing I remember the most...

Is like that 'friend' in the link I will not hyperlink.

Most of the people,.. did exactly that.. they walked away and said nothing.
Pretend they eh hear.

And I know for a fact.. they will do the same again.

Catfish

Generally, we think that the hookups are a guy thing. But due to the nature of our society, and also the more technology based methods of communication, there is a real possibility of being catfished.

Many LGBT use fake screen names,.. including me. 

At some point,.. after a few public dates,.. you will willingly accompany your intended to her home.

Once after we had entered and made our way to the bedroom,.. she left to go to the bathroom down the corridor.

Her brother entered the room whilst I was waiting. She had not mentioned that anyone else was in the house, and there had been no indication via noise that there was, I had assumed that we were alone.

Needless to say,  I called out. It was an honest misunderstanding. And she returned.

But as the questions are posed about the nature of incidents.. of being targeted.

I realise how easy it could be for someone to fall prey.

I truly hate the term 'corrective' rape. 

As for the ambiguity.

If you are being slammed against a wall, to the point you are winded and groped.

With the man slurring "I don't feel any balls"

I am 100% certain that particular attack was motivated by my 'known' sexual orientation.

At the end of the day

The person you HAVE TO sleep with... is yourself.

Abusive relationships

I did have one very bad relationship. And when you are young and relatively inexperienced.. in your search and exploration for what you think is a 'normal' lesbian relationship can lead you to accept behaviours that are beyond your personal boundaries.

And honestly,.. when I was in it,.. I couldn't see it.

Other people used to pass me in parties and ask me,. "why do you let her do you that?"

If this is happening to you,.. stop making excuses and start to think of her behaviour from their perspective if you can.

I had many warning signs before the first shove.

The possessiveness
Not respecting my time and opinions
Disregarding my wishes as regards sexual contact

And of all places,.. I had a fight in the kitchen.
( The kitchen is a poor choice of room for a confrontation)

That was the first time,.. I got my head hit as a consequence of a shove,.. I hit the counter.

She successfully managed to isolate me from my friends. So that we were surrounded by her friends.

And when one of these friends, informed me that I was moving for the summer to a different city.
That is when I realised I was in a very dangerous place.

Yes, I had applied for the summer internship to be stationed in the City.
Yes, we had gone on the day trips to scope out the city.

But in that City, I had nobody except her.
In London, despite my infrequent contact, there are members of the expat community who I knew who,.. I could show up at their doorstep without explanation and they would take me in without question.

Somehow,.. that woke me up. I didn't even have the courage to confront her. I waited across the street until she left and went to collect my stuff and threw the key in the mail slot.

She did ask after me,.. but I went to stay by my sister.

MY FAMILY HAS BEEN MY SUPPORT FROM THE BEGINNING

For those who did not have that support system, they are very vulnerable.
Particularly in Trinidad where there are very few accepting social service agencies.

Chrysalids

Once again,.. I am reminded that what I am doing is not without risks.

I am reminded of a theme in the Chrysalids by John Wyndham.

To make something secret,.. is to make it dangerous.

There is a really good quote on this, but I can't remember it.

Yes,.. it is dangerous to be known to be gay.

However,.. there are also dangers to secret liaisons, with persons you do not have the opportunity to meet in daylight.

I am reminded of the reason I opted to try this gambit

Bystander resouces

http://web.mit.edu/bystanders/assessing/index.html

https://speakout.worldsecuresystems.com/training-programs

https://vimeo.com/53187137

http://www.livethegreendot.com/

Perpetrators

Sometimes you wonder what monster would rape a 13 year old girl.

Not to mention all the adult bystanders,.. enablers...

Then there is your own emotions

....feeling unbelievable pain and rage.

Aang        The monks used to say that revenge is like a two-headed rat viper. While you watch your                        enemy go down, you're being poisoned yourself. Katara, you do have a choice: forgiveness.

Zuko That's the same as doing nothing!

Aang No, it's not. It's easy to do nothing, but it's hard to forgive.

Contagion

Newbies... 

Managing conflict... and at the end of the day,.. the whole LGBT dynamic is simply a cause of conflict.. requires a level of humility and ability to keep your cool.

Yes, you can engage in discussions. But there comes a point, where you are NOT BEING HEARD.

At that point, the correct response,.. is to simply state " I don't believe in that" and walk away.

And the trick is also to first,.. disengage eye contact. 

WALK AWAY... and live to fight another day.

AND BREATHE....

It really does work. 

Others take their cue from your calm... 

And to some extent,.. that means you, yourself have to be comfortable with the issues you are discussing.

If you have your own insecurities or own prejudices... own up to them. 

It is the your honesty and acknowledgement of the diverse nature of our community which encourages engagement, .. sometimes from curiosity,.. 

Listen to the video... 

And ppl... I've been watching videos to revamp my skill set for months. And discussing these issues for years. 

Rachel Price real

That was an excellent show.

She real too bad.

And she right,... we not the United States,.. and we don't live like that.

We are largely tolerant,... on all divisions of society.

It is only in the silly season, things are said out of turn.

And come Sept 8,.. we all have to live together.

In following the US model of advocacy,.. the causes of homophobia are being ignored.

That makes no sense,.. and will only cause further division.

• Gender based violence (with the wider definition of gender norms)
• Child abuse
• Male rape

Identity is about self-perception,..

It is not about being removed from that which I speak,.. it is about objectively, putting forward the case that addressing the underlying issues benefit all members of society.

When senior members of an organisation, offer their support for measures in keeping with their mandate,.. it would be foolish to not entertain the offer.

Only time will tell, whether or not the offers are truly genuine. Currently we are in the courting season, and many people are saying that which advocates want to hear.

https://oabi.wordpress.com/2012/04/29/the-history-of-o-a-b-i-are-you-a-history-maker/

When I hear of persons taking their own lives because of being bullied and attacked I could no longer study myself I had to get involved, when families will call crying and asking for help because their relative was raped but begging me to keep that deadly secret I had no other choice but to get involved and fight even if I was the only one fighting I had made up my mind that silence was no longer an option for me.

Cause the reality is,.. I've been hearing these stories for years...

So when the opportunity arises,.. for me to actually speak,.. in a forum  that might just count enough to influence the way these matter are dealt with.

It would be the greatest disservice for me to not do so, even if there is some personal risk to myself.

Witness

I was asked by an ally what I wanted  her to do in the event she witnessed me being physically assaulted.

I would not ask anyone to take the risk upon themselves of getting hurt, trying to help me. When I have made the decision to make myself a target. 

And also, what allows me to absorb their insults is a lifetime of experience as a gay woman. 

As protagonist, I have to attempt to maintain some control over the situation. 

So

• Provide a level of support with which you feel comfortable.
• Introduce yourself, (this is the most powerful counteract to the 'dehumanisation' that is being encouraged by the name calling )
• Maintain your physical distance, but do issue a verbal response ( this has saved me in the past,.. the simple act of calling my name, and asking if I was coming...I was released, because my assailant was made aware someone who knew me and was my ally was watching)
• Raise an alert, in the event of an escalating situation. 
• In the event I am alone, call my office

Wish me luck!

A bumpy ride

This is going to be a bumpy ride.

In Trinidad, because of the crime and lack of security in general.
We are getting the message.. take care of your own.

Cause when there aren't enough resources...
Humans tend to become tribal.

But what some of my friends and family don't get, particularly if they, themselves have never lived abroad.
Is that when everyone has rights.. it is a better, kinder society for all.

I know this because I lived in London.
Now people talk about the racism, and yes it does exist.
But gay youth who have been distanced from their families, have a way of bonding..
to a point that we become family.

G was of Greek descent, his father kicked him out of the house when he said he was gay.
He ended up in a group home, and due to issues there, moved in with a sugar daddy.
Somewhere in the melee he became HIV positive.

One night, I don't remember where we were,.. we are sitting on the ground in a darkened room.
He said very quietly,.. "I took a train ride"
He had gone back to his small town to see his mother.
He knew her schedule.
He waited hours outside the supermarket.
His mother saw her son across the street and did not acknowledge him.

And that is why G understood me so well, because for him, I
think sometimes for his mother to have died would have been easier for him to accept.

And readers,... I am nineteen and he is twenty one.

HIV stigma is universal.

One day, someone dropped some change on the counter rather than place it in his hand, it was something simple like that and I got upset. And he was like don’t bother with it.

Imagine a Trini, saying in that off handed way we have.. "small thing", scooping it off the counter in one motion.

And I realise my friend is actually accustomed at being treated with this level of contempt.

By all rights,.. if you are subjected to such suffering
You should turn into a bitter, hateful thug.

But what I have found, is that in some people.
It has the opposite effect.

The beauty of my experience of living abroad taught me this.
That allowed me to have such a friendship across race and class barriers.
Is that in London, I am a nobody. I have no family name or social standing by birth.
I am an immigrant.

I hope one day you experience this,. because it was in this cross cultural context.
That I learnt humanity and universal truths.