Glass Bar

I am very grateful I was in London for my whole coming out experience.

There was a lot of support and enough of an established culture to cement my gay identity.

I am looking forward to returning to my old haunts.

And it is also important that there is less stigmatization, as it was during this time that I had a very close friendship with a gay man who was HIV positive.

G used to let me cut. Yes, because despite all the support at the time, I used to still cut (self-harm).
It was a bit of an addiction in some ways, and I still have the scars, though they are faint.

I haven't cut or seriously considered suicide in over a decade, I have learnt there are options. And how to create those options for myself.

One good example of this is that I am out in school (university), because it is all being handled via distance. So it is one less aspect of my life I have to worry about, and where the Trinidad government has no jurisdiction in the matter. It is a bona fide well known qualification.

Something to think about when you are considering learning institutions.

Rights versus Privilege

After some private conversations with people who are not politicians, but who within our society can be said to be influential. I have come to the conclusion, that gay equality is seen more as a privilege than a right.

The problem with this is that for those who are able to 'qualify' for the privilege, there is no real incentive to support rights for all.

If only because, rights in general, are not enforced in this country. There are very few avenues of real recourse in the event of violation and dispute,... the crime statistics bear this out.

So when the advice is

What you taking on other people worries for,
Go to any party you want to and if someone gives you a hard time, I will have a quiet word with them.

This is undoubtedly the most effective avenue for the resolution of any dispute that may arise.

So it basically boils down to you can be as openly gay as you want, as long as you have the right connections.

Little things

(or how to show compassion in subtle ways)

Because of how our society is, it is sometimes hard to demonstrate support openly.

But I have been the recipient of many acts of kindness over the years,

A colleague who touched my hand when I must have flinched at a particularly venomous remark, I don't remember the remark, only the touch.

An acquaintance who passed by my desk on the way out, and stopped just long enough to say, that was unwarranted.

Another colleague who lead me out of an after work party. Apparently my eyes had started to wonder where they shouldn't be.

Words unsaid

A few years ago, I stumbled upon a family truth. 

The truth is as my mother did not come from a very happy home.

She inscribed an attempt at a diary of her childhood as
 "For myself- Something I keep bottled up for years and blocked out"

And even then, when the demons were long dead, she could not write the details.

Time point 8:27 to 11:22

I couldn't remember the name for this, and I am going to get fairly technical here.

Basically,... when you get dementia, or ... chemotherapy can have cognitive side-effects.

Those 'weaker' connections that individuals who have had traumatic experiences develop to cope, are unfortunately the first ones to get fried.

So what this boils down to is that your traumatised as a child elderly relative, gets trapped in her past, where she never got out. 

And it doesn't help if you happen to have drunkards roaming about outside,... if one of the demons was an alcoholic father.

I persisted to about the time, when I could just about get through to her, because if she could recognise me,... She would recognise that in the time that I exist.... those demons are long since dead.

But after a time, she forgot who even I was, and then... to some extent, became trapped in the nightmare that was her childhood.

However, as per usual I digress.

Time point 10:40

I'm not angry,... I'll actually grant my ex for correctly identifying this one.

It is just that your voice, about little things, was too strong in my life. Particularly since it was clashing with her.

And I just needed to step away,... to find my own way of doing things. Cause having a third party by proxy in a relationship doesn't work.

I honestly, hope you find happiness, wherever your future leads you.

And the only person who can give yourself permission to 'not have to'.... is you. 

Watershed

To not be afraid, would be stupid.

A little bit of fear, is good. It keeps you alert.

The problem comes when the fear becomes overwhelming and clouds your judgement.

So how do you push past the fear.

You remember

This can be a bit of a mindtrip,... but might also be elucidating.

I am surprised to find that I am not angry anymore.

I used to be very angry... all the time.

At some point I recognised that it had smoldered to a piece of hard charcoal that smoldered quietly, silently fueling my motivations for years and would occassionally flare up, but was still there.

There's truth in that statement.

And in the saying, time heals all (most) wounds.

Commentary on Trinidadian society

The Norm.

For the youth

“There is much that I would like to say to you all tonight, but I must first acknowledge the loss of a very fine person., who should be sitting here enjoying our feast with us. I would like you all, please, to stand, and rise your glasses, to Cedric Diggory.

“Cedric was a person who exemplified many of the qualities which distinguish Hufflepuff house. He was a good and loyal friend, a hard worker, he valued fair play. His death has affected you all, whether you knew him well or not. I think that you have the right, therefore, to know exactly how it came about.

“Cedric Diggory was murdered by Lord Voldemort.

“The Ministry of Magic does not wish e to tell you this. It is possible that some of your parents will be horrified that I have done so – either because they will not believe that Lord Voldemort has returned, or because they think I should not tell you so, young as you are. It is my belief, however, that the truth is generally preferable to lies, and that any attempt to pretend that Cedric died as a result of an accident, or some sort of blunder of his own, is an insult to his memory.

“The Triwizard Tournament’s aim was to further and promote magical understanding. In the light of what has happened – of Lord Voldemort’s return – such ties are more important than ever before.

“Lord Voldemort’s gift for spreading discord and enmity is very great. We can fight it only by showing an equally strong bond of friendship and trust. Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.

“It is my belief – and never have I so hoped that I am mistaken – that we are all facing dark and difficult times. Some of you, in this Hall, have already suffered directly at the hands of Lord Voldemort. Many of your families have been torn asunder. A week ago, a student was taken from our midst.

“Remember Cedric. Remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what us right, and what is easy, remember what happened to a boy who was good, and kind, and brave, because he strayed across the path of Lord Voldemort. Remember Cedric Diggory.” 

- Dumbledore

Thank you G.

Depth

One of the things I complain about is the caricature of gay people and ppl with HIV by the fellow ostriches.

So since this is an attempt to provide some depth, I share somethings not visible or stereotypical.

• I am a Game of Thrones fan
• Favourite colours remain purple and yellow
• I practice Yoga
• I don't like macaroni pie
• I went zip lining 

OK, not a very good list, but the point is there are other experiences that have defined me far more than coming out. In fact the other day, I wrote a list and it was 6 pushing 7 on a top ten.

Then again, it has been over a decade. So that's not really very surprising.

Note on blog title

As to the blind part, it is a play on the blind bandit, ie Toph, from Avatar - the last airbender. s2e6.

If you watch the episode, they keep emphasising that Toph waits, listen..... then attacks.

At that is very much my style. This is not first time I have outed myself in the workplace...
nor even the third...

So some advice for those considering.

1. It helps if you have managed to sort out your personal life first.
(whilst I have doubts as to whether my extended family will publicly support,... privately they will, and there are no secrets lurking )

2. It also helps if you have someone to come home to, even if the relationship does not last long term.

3. Use the waiting time to establish that you are in fact competent at the actual work.
( I have been called many things folks, but in actual technical ability, it doesn't usually fly. Helps if you have a good performance appraisal already in as well. Discrimination in Trinidad, has become, at least in my experience more subtle... and will come out in promotion, training and leave approval. Apart from the verbal comments. )

4. This is more of a footnote, do be prepared to be shunned by persons you do not expect to care, and sometimes even other members of the community. ( I'm not saying it hurts any less because it is expected)

But ... on the plus side, you know where you stand behind all the smiles.

Don’t mean the straightforward fear of fiery death. I mean the insidious, demoralizing fear of betrayal, of treachery, of cruelty, of being silenced. Of not being able to trust your neighbour. 

 - Code Name Verity

The beginnings

 - a remark made to open or redirect a conversation.


For the last two years, I have choosen to remain silent.

But the time is soon coming, when the scales tip towards gambit.

My rules are fairly simple, and learnt from experience.

Do not gamble what you cannot afford to lose,... or hope to gain.

But after June... there is not enough in the closeted side of the scale to continue the charade.

I am tired,... and Ah done!

Definitions - Gambit

gam•bit

1. an opening in chess in which a player seeks to obtain some advantage by sacrificing a pawn or piece.

2. any maneuver by which one seeks to gain an advantage; ploy.

3. a remark made to open or redirect a conversation.