Words unsaid

A few years ago, I stumbled upon a family truth. 

The truth is as my mother did not come from a very happy home.

She inscribed an attempt at a diary of her childhood as
 "For myself- Something I keep bottled up for years and blocked out"

And even then, when the demons were long dead, she could not write the details.

Time point 8:27 to 11:22

I couldn't remember the name for this, and I am going to get fairly technical here.

Basically,... when you get dementia, or ... chemotherapy can have cognitive side-effects.

Those 'weaker' connections that individuals who have had traumatic experiences develop to cope, are unfortunately the first ones to get fried.

So what this boils down to is that your traumatised as a child elderly relative, gets trapped in her past, where she never got out. 

And it doesn't help if you happen to have drunkards roaming about outside,... if one of the demons was an alcoholic father.

I persisted to about the time, when I could just about get through to her, because if she could recognise me,... She would recognise that in the time that I exist.... those demons are long since dead.

But after a time, she forgot who even I was, and then... to some extent, became trapped in the nightmare that was her childhood.

However, as per usual I digress.

Time point 10:40

I'm not angry,... I'll actually grant my ex for correctly identifying this one.

It is just that your voice, about little things, was too strong in my life. Particularly since it was clashing with her.

And I just needed to step away,... to find my own way of doing things. Cause having a third party by proxy in a relationship doesn't work.

I honestly, hope you find happiness, wherever your future leads you.

And the only person who can give yourself permission to 'not have to'.... is you.